I think the worst kind of disappointment is when you are disappointed in yourself.
And that's what I'm dealing with.
I am very, very disappointed in myself.
Why, you ask?
Because I screwed up. In of those big life-changing ways.
I had to pass my statistics class this semester with a "C" in order to complete my admission to Chico State for next semester. I needed to get a "B" on my final exam in order to earn that overall "C" in the class. I failed that final, and earned a 68% in the class, which is a D+. I haven't earned a D in any of my classes since starting school, I actually have close to a 4.0 since returning. But, this class is required to transfer and I screwed it all up.
I could (and sometimes do) blame my performance in the class on my anxiety that was spiraling out of control last month. I can blame it on whatever I want, but the truth is, I could have done more to be better prepared. I know that math is not my strong point, and I should have devoted more time to that class, instead of concentrating on the classes I enjoyed more.
So, when I found out that I got a D, I called the admissions office to find out my options. There are none. I am no longer admitted, and furthermore, admissions for Fall 2013 semester are closed. So, I now have to pass that class and apply again, next August, in hopes of being accepted for Spring '14. My entire academic plan has been pushed back a whole year. I can't take any more classes at the community college level, so I'm stuck until I pass statistics (which I'll take again next summer or fall.)
I am a perfectionist. I hate to screw up, and I hate to disappoint other people. My friends and family have been so understanding and supportive, and that has helped a lot. Forgiving myself has been the hardest, but over the last month, I think I have gotten a lot closer to doing that. I have accepted that sometimes living for your dreams is not always easy, and progress isn't always a straight line.
I've chosen to look at the positives, and there are so many. I have time to create and run my Etsy shop, which has been a dream of mine for so long. I have time to work on this blog and finally turn into the site I have always envisioned. I can finish more home improvement projects, and learn more about homesteading. But even more important, I have so much more time with my family. I went back to school when Liam was only eight months old, and I am so looking forward to more time with both of the kids. Magdalena will be starting Kindergarten in the fall, and I am so happy that I will have more time with her before she starts school.
I feel like this is all part of the bigger plan. It may be not be my plan, and it may not make me feel happy or proud, but I know there is a lot to gain from this situation. I'm moving on, and hoping that I can turn this into a lesson in perseverance and drive for the kids one day. I'm not giving up on my dream, and I want them to know that they should never give up on theirs.