I have more Seattle pictures that I want to share, but instead, I thought for this post, I would just...write.
I wanted to talk about something that has been on mind lately, which is the idea of "supermoms" and bloggers in general.
I...am so not a supermom.
Somewhere in this blogging journey, I feel like I lost my voice a little. Or maybe a lot. I started concentrating on what people commented on most, and stopped writing candidly about my life. I've been focusing on the fun things in my life for so long, and trying to avoid being too personal most of the time.
I have struggle with thoughts that no one wants to read a blog about someone who is always fighting to be happy. There are so many wonderful people and things in my life, yet I still struggle with depression and anxiety. I get angry and sometimes I scream at my husband. I lose my cool and get frustrated with the kids, and I don't react the way a supermom would. I drink sometimes, I used to smoke, and I play video games most nights. I don't create art or cook something fabulous or wear a cute outfit every day. There have even been days this year when it was a struggle to even get out of bed and function.
Yet, I still have a beautiful life. I say this not to boast, but to cement it in my heart. I have so much.
And I have so much help. I mean...a lot of help. I hate to talk about the help that I receive because in a way, I am ashamed to be thirty years old and still relying on other people. Someone once left a comment on a post about my dad giving me his camera after I lost mine, and it was something like,
"Seriously? You are so @#$%&^ pathetic. Don't you do anything for yourself?"
I was shocked and felt sick. How did this person read my mind and know the worst things I think about myself? How did they know that I am so embarrassed that we aren't standing entirely on our own feet?
Mark and I are both students, and my mom has been watching the kids twice a week for the last two years, while I go to school. Mark's mom really enjoys being with the kids once a week, so we have another day to do homework and chores and run errands (and sometimes, do nothing.) Our parents have been so generous with their love, their time and let's face it, have gifted us with so many things and experiences we wouldn't have otherwise.
Some people might look down on us for accepting so much from our parents (and trust me, they don't support us or anything, but they do pay for us when we go on family trips and when we go out to eat and things like that), but I just feel like I need to be authentic. I need anyone who reads this to know that I am not pulling off this lifestyle all on my own, completely on a student's budget. We're certainly not living a luxurious lifestyle, but I know that we definitely have so much.
My life has been so much more than was has been included in this blog lately. My life is not vacation after vacation filled with perfect moments and relationships. I second guess myself, and wonder if going to art school and pursuing my education are the right thing for my family. I feel self-indulgent and guilty sometimes, and sometimes I overcompensate by spoiling my children. That sucks to say, but it's the truth.
I definitely want to open up more in terms of my experience as a mother and wife, which I have somehow neglected, even on a blog with "mom" in the title. I want to really share how I manage our hectic lives without going crazy. I want to share more about what I'm really thinking, instead of "look at how cool this thing I did is!" kind of stuff all the time. So, I want to start out with honesty.
I want to start out with "I struggle. I fail. I need help, and I take it, except when I don't. I don't always like myself, but I'm trying to change that. I'm really imperfect, and it's hard for me to show that sometimes."
I hope you'll stick around as I keep all the fashion, recipes and DIY projects AND add in a lot more honest discussion. I just need to be real. I already feel so much better, even if I'll never be supermom...if she even exists.