Where I'm At

I have had this weird relationship with my blog lately. I've been really enjoying all the peripheral stuff; twitter, facebook, planning blog posts, taking pictures, etc. But, actually sitting down, writing a post, and publishing it? Not so much.

I'm in one of those phases in my life where I have so much going on that it is almost impossible for me to divide it into neat, beautiful blog posts.  I really do not want this blog to turn into some angsty vent-fest, but...man.  Things are sometimes overwhelming for me. It's not even the bad things that overwhelm me, even a lot of positive changes kinda make me freeze in my tracks and wanna hide under a rock.

So allow me to clear the air and tell you what's really going on.  Otherwise, I'll just hide under a rock and not post for like two weeks. Which, I don't want...hopefully you wouldn't either.

We're moving soon. This is a 100% positive change which I have been so excited to share.  We're moving to a house, with a yard and the freedom to paint and change things as we wish.  I love the neighborhood and the fact that it's an old house with character. We'll be in the new place by December 1st.  I am so excited about this.  Like crazy-obsessed-excited.  You can expect lots of home decor posts in the near future. Eeek!

The Mr. and I have been going through a hard time lately. I feel free to share this because overall, we are so strong. We have been together for eight years and I truly love him more everyday.  But, as our lives grow and we become busier, there are more demands placed on both of us.We are so busy, and our dreams keep getting bigger and bigger.  Marriage is an ebb and flow.  Times have been hard, but we have had to get real and lay it all out.  It has been painful at times, but I am honestly so grateful for the hard-earned growth that is taking place.  And honestly,  I look at my husband and I have never appreciated him more. It is such a gift to share a life with another human being. There is no way I would be the woman I am without him by my side.

I'm not loving school right now.  I'm just not. Every class and assignment seems like so much work. I have been doing really, really well in all of my classes except Biology.  Mark is like the star student out of 90 people...I'm somewhere in the middle.  I feel like such a doof next to him.

I am so intimidated by the art world and even the other artists in my classes.  I am growing as an artist and sometimes I can't believe that I produced something that I did, but usually, I just feel like an imposter.  Sigh.

I went to Target today and almost lost my shiz because they had tons of Missoni stuff that would have fit Maggie.  And then I almost really lost it when I spied a pair of size 9 rain boots that would have perfect for me.  And then I realized the nine was a six upside down.  *Insert expletive here*

There's more to talk about but I'm tired and have to get up for school in about six hours. I'll share more soon.

September Weekends

Things have been a whirlwind of activities, school, family commitments...just stuff.  Lots and lots of stuff to do, all the time. We like being busy, so I'm not complaining. We've had a wedding, family visiting and last weekend, we drove six hours each way to attend a memorial service for Mark's Grandpa, who passed away over the summer. 

We stayed in a gorgeous cabin with Mark's family and it was wonderful to see everyone.  Mark was sad and quiet over the weekend, and the kids were crazy with excitement all day long, so it wasn't the most relaxing vacation.  But, it was definitely the right thing to do and I was so happy to attend.  Even if we left a little earlier than planned...which seems to be our M.O. with these types of things.  At least we try, right?

 

The cabin

Mark and Liam playing

I was kind of obsessed with this door knocker.  I love it!

Maggie and her best friend (and second cousin) Ellie

We found a giant dandelion and Maggie said she would get a really big wish from it!

Walking with Grandma to plant a tree in memory of  Great Grandpa

Liam was such a big help to his Uncle Ed and his second cousin, Jake.

Making sure to water the tree

The tree was planted next to the one we planted last year in memory of  Mark's Grandma.  Their last name was spelled out in rocks...which is also Liam's middle name. So special.

 The busy weekends continued this week, too! Yesterday, I did a 'Wreck the Dress' photo shoot with an awesome photographer who is also a friend from high school. I decided that our five year anniversary was a good enough reason to put the dress back on and get some really creative pictures.

  The whole family was involved and we did shots at the local park, including lots in the creek.  It was amazing, I was even sitting down in the shallow water in my dress.  I did lots of solo shots too, just for fun.  I added lots of homemade, upcycled accessories and it was so fun to style!  I cannot wait to share the pictures with you.My dress didn't really get ruined, just muddy on the bottom.  So worth it to me!

I hope you're all having a fun, relaxing weekend.  Any exciting plans? Anyone else planning family photos for Christmas cards?

Blue

I painted this last night as I watched TV and had a glass of wine. Talk about relaxing!  I think she's going to go in my bedroom, and I'm going to make a few other girls in different colors to go with her.  It was fun, and this took me about an hour.  It's basically a sketch, using paint, but I like her.

Two of pieces are up in the hallway at school right now, I keep meaning to bring my camera to show you guys! One is a sculpture that I did in my 3D design class, and the other is a contour line drawing of a shoe.

Saturday, I'm doing a wreck the dress photo shoot with Mark and the kids for our 5th year anniversary.  I am super excited!!

One Skirt, Two Looks

I love this denim skirt, and I wear it often. Being a student AND a mom, I have a very strict clothes budget.  So, I'm constantly mixing and matching...my life is a never ending 30 for 30! I wore this skirt twice this week, and I made two totally different outfits with it.

Ruffle Floral Blouse- Old Navy

Red Cardigan- Target

Skirt- Target

Earrings, sandals and belt- Forever 21

To do my hair, I put it up in a high ponytail and pinned it in a messy bun.  It is definitely a go-to style for me and my almost waist-length hair.

I had a lot of fun taking pictures after school, when I picked the kids up from my mom's house.  She has so many pretty places to take pictures and I try to take advantage of it whenever possible.

To do this hairstyle, I put it in a ponytail, without brushing it.  I kinda fluffed it out, and twisted two sections about halfway down.  Then, I braided it until the braid was teeny tiny and acted as it's own hair tie.

Shirts-Kohl's

Skirt-Target

Shoes-Target

The picture below is Mark's favorite, and he made me promise to include it.  He claims this shows my true personality...which is actually probably true!  I love that he doesn't mind taking all these pictures.  He's a keeper!

I am linking up with The Pleated Poppy

Liam

Liam is so unique and kooky and smart.  I absolutely adore every bit of who he is.  He is a man of few words, but a master of facial expressions.  He is our little star, our funny-bunny, our cute guy.

I captured five minutes of his crazy energy recently as he played in a hallway at my mom's house.  I should have put it on the sports settings and I really wish I had a DSLR to capture these moments a little better, BUT, I love these pictures.  And my handsome, sweet boy. 

                                                                     "Oh, hey there!"

"I loooove this hallway!"

"Mom, look what I found!"

And after all the fun was had and it was time to get ready for bed...

We'll be back from our trip tonight!  I can't wait to tell you all about it!

San Francisco- You are so beautiful!

We're out of town this weekend to celebrate the life of Mark's Grandpa, who passed away over the summer.  We're staying in a nice cabin with Mark's family at a lake about six hours away.  I actually wrote this post before I left, so I don't know yet how the drive went-but, fingers crossed- it went well.  Maybe they both slept the whole time...a mom can hope, right?!

A few days before school started, we had the happy errand of picking up Mark's mom from the airport in San Francisco-normally about 3 1/2 hours away. The kids stayed with their great aunt, whom they love- and Mark and I went on a little road trip.  I brought my camera, and I managed to snap a few pictures that I absolutely love.

It was a Friday afternoon, and it took us six hours to get to the airport.  Once we got there, my wonderful mother in law suggested stopping for dinner to avoid the rest of the rush hour traffic.  If you haven't been to San Francisco, the traffic can be miserable.  So, we stopped and had seafood at the pier and it was amazing.  Such a fun little excursion!

This one is of a  random (well, random to me) demonstration we happened to catch just as it went up.  I was sooo excited to get pictures of it!

Pretty sure I'm going to blow this one up and frame it.

Tunnel!

The only thing I like about bridges in how they look in pictures.

San Francisco, if your traffic wasn't so soul-crushing, I would find you just about perfect.



At the pier.



And now I'm officially yearning for a real vacation in the bay. 

Have you been to San Francisco?  Do you love it as much as I do?

We're on a boat!

Oh my goodness, I love them.



My dad with Magdalena.  Possibly one of my favorite pictures ever.



Liam just closed his eyes and went into a kind of trance. Funny boy!

It was a perfect night on the Sacramento river.

I can almost feel the cool water and the warm sunshine in this picture.

Maggie, giving her signature peace sign.

Gah.  Can I just sit out on a boat, right here, all day long?  So gorgeous.

Small Style- Magdalena at Four

I have written my children a letter at every birthday milestone since Magdalena was born.   It's taken me a few weeks, but today, I sat down to capture my thoughts on my sweet daughter at four years old.

Magdalena,

My sweet, caring girl, I simply adore you.  You are an incredible little girl.  You are so full of life, so loving and your charming personality gets you quite a bit of attention.  You are so polite and articulate, and your vocabulary is both impressive and hilarious: "My goodness, this food is spicy!", "Mama, look at that kitten!  He's just adorable, isn't he?" "Daddy, you're a genius!"

You love fiercely.  You are protective and you want to help everyone.  You are an amazing big sister, and are always looking out for your brother. You give hugs and kisses freely.  If I'm walking away from you, you'll call me back to blow me a kiss.  You stroke my hair, grab my hands and have wiped away my tears.

  You are always wanting to do more than your age allows you, yet when I ask you what you want to be when you grow up, you always answer, "I don't want to grow up. I want to stay small forever."  And that's when my heart breaks and I think, "Me, too, babe.  Me, too."

I am so, so proud of you.  You are perfect. You are exactly right for me, and for Daddy and Liam. I am so pleased with you, and who you are.  You make mistakes and act well, like a four year old, sometimes, and my love never, for a second, falters.  Thank you for teaching me so, so many things without even trying.

You are good at so many things naturally.  You are athletic and daring.  Sometimes, the dark scares you or you'll tell me about bad dreams you had.  But, you're so brave.  I'm pretty sure you would fight a Grizzly bear to try to save someone.  You have a wicked sense of humor and love to play jokes and have jokes played on you.  You like surprises.  You love cute, girly things.

You're a bug rescuer, an animal lover, a "Go super high, Daddy! kind of girl" and a thinker of deep thoughts like; "Why don't we live on the moon instead of the Earth?" and "Is old Grandpa happy even though he died?" and "Why do my friends look so different?"

I love you, my sweet babe.  I always will. 

Magdalena is wearing:

Vintage inspired Circus t-shirt: Target

Plaid shorts: Old Navy

Shoes: Old Navy

I am linking up with Morgan at Mama Loves Papa

That Kind Of Beautiful

 It's Wednesday, so that means another edition of That Kind of Beautiful!  I take pictures of my outfits every week to try to help spread the idea that every woman has their own unique kind of beauty.

I've been tired this week, and frankly, lazy.  I took two pictures of two outfits this week.  In the first one, I tried a couple of new things for me.  1. I wore a dress under a pair of jeans and 2. I wore a shirt (well, a dress) tucked in. The dress was this one, that I wore to a wedding last weekend.  It looked blue outside, but is really more of a purple!

It was a little dressy, but still pretty casual.  I was pretty self-conscious all day with my shirt tucked in, I might not brave that one again for a while. And I didn't wear makeup and my hair was totally natural.  Not exactly my best look, but remember...lazy.

 The dress is from Forever 21, the jeans and shoes are from Target.

I felt happy in this outfit, even though the picture below is a little bit sad.

 

My ruffled tank is from Old Navy.

My blouse is Target.

Jeans and gold jelly sandals are from Old Navy

Beaded Necklace- Forever 21

Braided leather necklace- upcycled by me.

Oh, before I forget, I'm linking up with The Pleated Poppy!

Wanna show your much appreciated support and link up with me?  Let's give each other a safe, happy place to show our outfits, whatever our size or style!

Looking Forward to Fall

New Friends

 

Or maybe you'd rather not be friends with these two?

Ha ha ha!

I borrowed a drawing pad and pen for the computer from my brother for a while to see if I like it and the answer is a huge yes!

These are the two (very) quick but kind of fun sketches I did.

Yeah, I'm pretty much loving it and plan to share a lot more of my thoughts in picture form. 

Did I just freak you out or do you likey?

Thoughts on Happiness

I've sometimes felt like the loneliest person in the whole world, like I am the only person who struggles to be happy, to live in the now.  The isolation that I create in my mind is sometimes worse than the actual experience of feeling sad or anxious.  I have wondered so many times in the past if there was some major defect, a fatal flaw, that separates me from everyone else and marks me as "incompatible with happiness".

I can't remember too many periods in my life when I was truly content.  I've struggled through almost everything, even though I was always smart enough and well liked enough that life should have been easy. 

I've always been told how much potential I had. It overwhelmed me from as early as I can remember.  I was a unique and pretty gifted child (or so I've been told), but the pressure I put on myself was something I just couldn't handle.  I pretty much crumbled by the time I was halfway through high school, because I realized I just emotionally couldn't handle the stress of keeping up with everyone else.  I feel like I have always been intellectually capable of success, but emotionally just a complete mess.

This week has been hard and weird.  We had a wonderful weekend with friends and family, only to wake up on Monday morning to horrible, tragic news.  One of my extended family member's long term boyfriend died in the middle of the night, in a horrific and tragic way.  My family member was there when it happened, and she is in a lot of pain right now. The circumstances are just so awful, and I don't feel like it is my place to say anymore. 

While I am much more removed from the situation than others in my family, it has occupied my mind all week. I've felt myself starting to fall into a hole of depression and anxiety this week, and I'm hoping to stay accountable by writing about it.  It's not that I'm personally grieving his loss very much, but I feel like the thoughts of death and loss in general have been affecting me,  I don't want to let anxiety and unrest ruin the great life I have now.  I feel like I am finally learning a little bit of balance in my life, and it is something I value greatly.  I don't want to allow myself to get overwhelmed and completely crash and burn.  I have cut myself off from my whole life before because I just couldn't handle another thing, and I don't want that to happen again.  I am frankly surprised that I have any friends left, given the times I found myself literally paralyzed with fear at the thought of making a phone call.

My life is difficult at times, just like everyone else's. At other times, it is beyond amazing and I realize how incredibly blessed and loved I am.  I'm not sad per se, but just wanting to be more satisfied with the now.  I'm tired of always looking forward to the next big thing, instead of loving the here and the now.  Even though I love my life, I feel like it is so hard to admit, as a mom and a wife, that it is hard for me at times.

Good things are happening in my life.  I'm really finding a bit of a groove as an art student, and I'm accepting that I belong there just as much as the next person. I'm happy with myself when I create, and I'm not holding myself to impossible standards.  I have amazing, strong friendships that are just so special.  My kids are perfect.  It's been about 3 1/2 weeks since I quit smoking. We are on track to be able to move into a bigger place soon. I've made peace with myself, inside and out.  I'm being honest for the first time about who I really am, and seriously, it feels so good.

I don't have it all, and I'm not a perfect mother.  I'm not a perfect anything.  But, I no longer feel like I'm not good enough or there is something wrong with me.  I recognize the struggle, and the beauty in overcoming the struggle.  I need help sometimes, and now, I usually ask for it.  I'm focusing on peace, and enjoying the simple beauty in the here and now.

I didn't really have a specific point I wanted to make, I just wanted to share more of my journey with you. I do see a counselor when I need to, and that helps me immensely. Now that I can share honestly about my struggles, the isolation factor is gone, and with it's absence comes a great freedom.

Baja Fish Taco Recipe

Baja Fish tacos are one of my favorite meals, so I am so excited to share this recipe with you!  I used to get them at restaurants around town, but my two favorite places had really horrible service, so we stopped going.  I needed my fish taco fix, so I decided to try to make them myself.  It ended up being easy and tasting way better than any of the restaurant ones I have tried.

You will need:

Fish of your choice, I use cod.  I also had them with Halibut, and they were delivious, but the fish was super expensive!

Beer Batter Mix

Large can of diced pineapple

2-3 fresh jalapenos

1 small onion

Corn Torillas

My "should-be-famous" Mexican slaw, ingredients and recipe here

Limes

I start by making my pineapple and jalepeno salsa.  It is simply a can of diced pineapple, 2-3 fresh jalapenos, diced, and a small onion, diced.  I add all the ingredients together and let it sit in the fridge while I fry the fish.

I used this beer batter mix, and I just followed the directions on the box.  Check the recipe before you leave the store- you usually need a bottle of beer with this.  It was perfect and I would definitely reccomend this brand.  It was easy to use, and the batter was light and crisp.

I slice the fish into pieces that are long enough to span almost the whole tortilla- about 4-6 inches long, and a 1-2 inches wide.  1 -2 pieces of fish this size are enough for each taco.

Oh, I have been wanting to share this tip with you all for sooo long!  To check if your oil is hot enough for frying, turn a wooden spoon upside down and put the handle in the hot oil.  If bubbles form around the handle- like in this blurry picture- it is hot enough.  This tip always works and has saved me from wasting the first batch of things testing the oil.

Fry the fish for about 2-3 minutes on each side, until golden brown.  When I fry, I layer paper towels on a baking sheet, then I place a cooling rack on top of that.  I put the fish on the cooling rack, and since it is not lying in a puddle of it's own grease, the air circulating around it helps to keep it crisp.  Then, I'll throw all the fish into the oven to hold warm while I heat the tortillas.

I like to make the slaw as close to serving time as possible- the crisp cabbage provides such a nice crunch, and if you make it too early, it will wilt and get soggy.

Lay your tortillas down, add 1-2 pieces of fish, the pineapple salsa, and the Mexican slaw.  Add the juice of one quartered lime if desired.  Serve immediately and enjoy.  These taste even better with a margarita, YUM!