Baby Ballet

Ballet has been such a good thing for our active, energetic, dance-loving little girl.  Her class is once a week for 45 minutes and it is perfect.  She loves to dance, sing, and play with the props and accessories.  Her ballet school even threw a daddy/daughter tea party for Valentine's Day, which Mark happily took her to.  I love that her school creates a fun, relaxed environment in which she can learn some control and discipline.  I highly recommend dance classes for your little ones, it has been a great experience for us.

I took these pictures with my mom's camera, and through a glass window.  Not the best circumstances, but I am so glad I get to share my little ballerina with you guys!

Ebony and Ivory

Maggie, to Mark: I want a boy!

Mark: A boy?!

Maggie: Yes, I want a boy!

Mark: What kind of boy?

Maggie: A black boy!


The funniest thing about this is that we have never talked about skin color, and Mark and I rarely talk about race.  Definitely, no one was has ever said "people with dark skin are called black" or anything like that.  So, I have no idea if she truly means African American/black or just some other concept of black. 

I do have to say I am both terrified that she is 3 1/2 and has requested a boy of her own, and smugly proud of her openness and extremely loving personality.  I love being her mom!

A Tea Party

I love watching Magdalena play.  She loves to play pretend, especially "family" and "tea party".  I took these pictures of her tea party with some of her best (stuffed) friends!

What I Didn't Wear Wednesday

Well, I had big plans, but I only took one outfit picture this week.  We went on a date to a super yummy Japanese restaurant (RawBar for all you locals) and this is what I wore:

Dress: Forever 21 Plus size

Necklace: Forever 21

Bag: Local boutique (The Fashion Lounge)

Shoes: Target

What I didn't wear: A bra.  It was too low cut and I just didn't care.  It was a Valentine's Day date, anyway.  Mark appreciated the gesture very much. 

Magdalena's Valentines Day Outfit:

Pink Cardigan: Target

Coversation hearts Tee: Old Navy

Pink Tutu: Costco, I forget the brand!

Heart leggings: Old Navy

Pink and brown tennies: Target

Have I ever mentioned how much I LOVE Target, Old Navy and Forever 21?  In my small town, they are the only stores that carry plus sizes in styles that don't make me look 300 pounds AND 60 years old.  I try to supplement with accessories from local stores, and sometimes I order stuff, but I mostly shop at those three stores. 

I am linking up with Lindsey at The Pleated Poppy

My School Day,Twitter Style

All of this happened today, which was a very average school day. I would tweet this as it happens, but the cell service is really spotty on campus. My campus is in a rural area (or you could say it's in the sticks). Like every community college, the students are um, diverse. It makes for a very interesting learning environment. HA! Here's some random thoughts from today:

-Got to school super early for an appt., and then spent an hour in the cafeteria.  There are always tables full of uber nerds* playing Magic: The Gathering.  This morning, two feuding groups got into a verbal fight.  So hilarious.
*I can call them that because I married the former President of the Uber Nerds.

-I saw a clown (with full makeup and costume) sitting on a bench in the art department.  He gave me the evil eye when I looked at him.  I honestly wondered if it was a performance art piece.

-I saw three separate girls wearing faux fur hats with HUGE ears on them. And one had a tail, too.  Cute. On my three year old.

-I ate two 2 egg, bacon and cheese sandwiches today, and they were free because Mark's friend is a cashier and he refuses to charge us.  I felt so bad...but, it didn't stop me from sending Mark to go get another one.

-I have listened to 3 separate people beg my government teacher to let them make up their missed current event project.  Seriously, you only have to do it once and it's a lot of points.  Not something to let slip their mind.

-My speech teacher refers to us as "minions" and curses regularly in class.  And she basically does a stand-up routine at the beginning of every class.

-Someone took my seat in my geography class.  I have been sitting there for a month.  It just bugs me!

-I missed the kids so badly half way through the day that I got on facebook to look at all of their pictures I have on there.  It helped, a little.

- I love my geography of California class!  We have to memorize tons of maps, but I make it easier by relating locations to people I love.  Like...Modoc County=Tara, Oakland=Allison, East Bay=Sarah.  Hard to explain how that helps, but it does.

-My Art History teacher is so awesome at using technology to aid him in teaching.  Like, double projectors, both showing different things.  He carries two clickers around and is constantly clicking, changing the screens to show pictures, movies, profiles of artists...I could seriously sit in that class all day long.  It is like a vacation.

-I hate the walk back to our car at the end of the day.  It takes 20 minutes and I am always exhausted. And grumpy.

Follow me on Twitter here!

You can't see the bubbles...

but you know they are there.



Walking the Walk

One thing I talked to my therapist about was us leaving our church about 2 years ago.  I told him I was definitely done and there was no way I was ever going back, and he said "Then be done with it.  You made the decision, you don't have to keep making it every day.  Close the book, don't think about the people there."  I realized I had been hanging on to so much from there.  I was scared to go another church for reasons I can't even articulate.  He suggested I go somewhere else, and just see what happens, knowing I owe no one a commitment to anything.
So, today, I decided to actually run after the peace I am seeking.  We went to church this morning.
I was anxious for sure, especially since we were kinda lost and I was freaking out about Liam being okay without us and hoping that Maggie wouldn't wet her pants (she didn't!).  But, we dropped the kids off at nursery and Sunday school, and then we did something I have missed so much: worship.
I felt like I was home again.  The building was different, the worship team was different, the congregation was different, but my sweet God was the same.  The sermon was nice and so much more relaxed and loving than I have ever experienced.
I saw so many friends, acquaintances and former members of my old church.  It was awesome and maybe a little overwhelming for me today.  But, it was amazing to know that we have so many people to make relationships with and get closer to.
We're going back next week, we know that for sure.  Beyond that, we're not making any plans.  We're just excited to really grow closer in our relationship to God.  I know therapy is going to be really good for me, but I also believe that God is the ultimate doctor and therapist, and without him, my best laid plans would amount to nothing.
Today, right now, I am happy and so hopeful.

Battle

Wow.  I haven't posted in six days, and I didn't even do a WIWW this week.  School has gotten increasingly difficult and time consuming.  To say that I'm overwhelmed is such an understatement.
I am desperately trying to find my footing.  For some reason, things are just not clicking for me the way they did last semester.  I'm no longer enjoying the days away from the kids, instead I find myself craving them as soon as soon as I leave them.  I'm overwhelmed when I am alone with them, but then I miss them so desperately when they are gone.
Everything is a struggle right now, as I am trying to find balance and joy in my life.  I feel torn, and my mind is always racing.  To be 100% honest, I am constantly battling with anxiety and intense feelings of just...being overwhelmed.
I haven't told really anyone in my life this, but I started seeing a therapist last week.  This is the first time I have ever formally been to counseling and I should probably be private about it, but I need to share.  I'm having a really rough time right now.  I would go so far as to say this has been one of the most difficult seasons of my life.
My anxiety ranges from being just feeling yucky to having full blown anxiety attacks, complete with hyperventilating and a racing heartbeat.  And that's a fairly watered down description.
I decided I couldn't handle this alone, and I decided my family deserves me to be present and healthy.  I'm scared and nervous about this process, but I also feel good because I am doing something. 
Mark is incredibly supportive and definitely encouraged me to seek help.  He has been so amazing and has definitely been living up to the "in sickness and in health" part of our vows.  His constant and truly unconditional love has been such a gift.  I feel truly blessed that I have such an incredible husband. He has tried everything to make my life less stressful and has been so forgiving.
So, I'm here.  I am definitely going to keep blogging regularly.  But, this is my forum to track my life, and I feel like this is a turning point for me.  I am no longer going to be passive about my happiness, and I am ready to fight for it.  I know I have a fight in front of me, but I no longer feel hopeless. 
I have been sad and anxious for too long.  I keep telling myself that it will get better, without anything ever getting better.  In fact, it has just gotten worse and worse as I take on more responsibilities.  I want to feel happiness again, and I want to enjoy the absolutely wonderful life that I have.
So, that's where I am right now.  Not good, but getting better.  There are worst places to be, right?

Sneak Peek

Valentine's Day Mailboxes

I bought these plain mailboxes at Target for a dollar each.  What a steal! 

  I plan to go all out this Valentine's Day, and I'm giving my kids little treats and presents throughout the day.  I'm going to put valentines in their (now personalized) mailboxes and then put the flag up to announce that the mail has arrived. Maggie is a little obsessed with the idea of getting mail, so I know she will love this! Here's how I transformed these mini mailboxes with two sharpies and a little glitter glue.

What I Wore Wednesday: Red and Blue Love

I'm pretty obsessed with this blue cardigan.  I wear it all the time.  And I still love my red belt.  And my red jacket.  And sunglasses.  The weather has been perfect and I have been loving it!

Blue Cardigan: Target

White Ribbed tank: Old Navy

Red Belt: Forever 21

Jeans: Target

Nude flats: Target

Shoe necklace: Forever 21

Sunglasses: Local Boutique (The Fashion Lounge)

Striped Cardigan: Target

Black Ribbed Tank: Old Navy

Jeggings:  Target

Booties: Borrowed from my Mom

Red Jacket: Forever 21

Blue Cardigan: Target

Blouse: Ross

Skinny Jeans: Old Navy

Nude Flats: Target

Sunglasses: Local Boutique (The Fashion Lounge)

I am linking up with Lindsey at The Pleated Poppy



Thoughts

I have to go to coffee to meet with my group from my speech class.  I don't really want to go, since it is at 8:30 and I'm already tired. But, I'm always tired.  Always trying to keep up.
I am busy.  Really busy, for the first time in my life.  I want to get straight A's in school, I want to be the perfect wife and mom, I want to be the most popular, best blogger ever.  I want to look beautiful and wear a fashionable outfit every day. I want to cook every meal from scratch and craft every night.  I want to start an etsy shop.  I want to read everything.  But I just can't do it all.
I'm happy, but overwhelmed.  Not overwhelmed with the day to day.  But overwhelmed with the possibilities.  I could be perfect...couldn't I?  Couldn't I just push myself further?  Can't I just be selfless?  I feel like the more I push myself, the more I want out of life.  I struggle watching other students around me, free to explore the academic world fully, free to read the optional books for courses, free to watch the movie the teacher suggests.
Even adding this group meeting to my schedule made me anxious.  It's so hard to find energy at the end of the day for school.  I am in full on school mode Tuesday through Thursday, and adding something to Monday was the last thing I wanted to do.
I want to live my life in a way that satisfies my curiosity for this world.  I want to grow and change, and know that I did my best.  I want a rich life, full of my family and art, and learning.  I want my kids to grow up in a beautiful home, full of evidence that their mom loves them more than anything.
This isn't a vent, more of an exploration of my feelings.  I have felt somewhat trapped these last few weeks. I have had no motivation for school, and it has been torture to do my homework. Sometimes I am envious of the younger students around me, but mostly I am so thankful to be a student with more life experience.  I don't know what's up right now.
I am so grateful for my life.  Honestly.  I love having the opportunity to find out what I really want in my life.  The problem is...I want so much.

My Gorgeous Girl

Magdalena is 3 1/2 (almost!) and it is amazing to watch her grow and change.  She is full of non-stop energy and imagination.  We have hilarious conversations and she constantly surprises me with her understanding of the world around her. She challenges me in so many ways, and I am such a better person because I am her mother. 

 I love taking pictures of her, so here are a few I took today. I love her wild curly hair and her round face. She is getting used to being my model and is starting to go along with any pose I suggest.  I'm taking advantage of this cooperation and taking as many pictures as I can! 

What I Wore Wednesday

Only one outfit this week and my face is totally silly.

Sweater Coat:  Old Navy

Jeans: Target

Nude Flats: Target

Necklace: Forever 21

I love these new shoes!!

Magdalena's entire outfit is from Target. 

I love that store.

I am linking to Lindsey at The Pleated Poppy