School is Cool

School is a little bit crazy right now.  I just finished a sculpture for one of my classes, and entered it in a show that opens next Friday.  I am so, so happy that it is done, in one piece, meets all the requirements and is actually visually appealing.  And, it can pour you a class of wine!  (Don't ask...you'll have to see the pictures to understand.  And yes, I will post them after the show!)

I have lots of tests, assignments, readings, projects, quizzes and journals to do.   Every week, more and more.  I had forgotten how overwhelming being a full time student can be.  I have so much homework, all the time.  The classes themselves aren't very hard, but Wednesday is my long day, and I finally finish at 9:00 PM after nine hours of class.  I am actually writing this during the one two-hour break I have during the day.

Being a full time student, and a Mom, is hard.  Like, really hard.  But, I love it.  I am doing so well in all my classes, and I am truly happy for the first time in years.  I feel valued for something outside of raising my children.  While other moms may find complete joy in raising their children, I now understand that I am someone who wants something else, too. 

Being a full-time, stay at home mommy, was like trying to put me in a box I did not want to be in.  I have so much I want to do, and learn, and create...mostly so I can one day teach my children.  But, in these last few months, I have realized that I never want to feel like I have to fit in that box again.  I am free to be a mom, who is usually at home, but sometimes, is not.  I want to feel like I can live my own dreams, and set goals for the future.  I was so sure that I was going to be at home, five days a week, for the next 18 years that I didn't even have personal goals.

I can't imagine being away from the kids full-time, but 2-3 days a week?  Yeah, I can handle that.  I am so excited for my family's future.  I am excited to share my knowledge and my art with my kids.  I am proud to be an example for my children, and I hope that one day my story will help to inspire them.  Being a parent is definitely the hardest, most rewarding job there is, and I will always respect those who can and choose to be stay at home parents. I'm sure there will be seasons in our life where I will be at home full time, and I am so fine with that.  It's the big picture, knowing that I am free to pursue other things, that really excites me.

Pumpkin Patch

Last weekend, my parents took us to Bishop's Pumpkin Farm.  It was the first time we had been there, and it was only about an hour away from home.  It was awesome and so much better than anything we have in town.  There was so much to do that it was almost overwhelming! Maggie rode a pony, went down a whole bunch of slides (including some really long ones built into a hill), rode a train, went to a petting zoo and fed a goat, rode a big rocking horse, ate a hot dog and an ice cream cone, played in straw and a room full of dried corn kernels, and ran around for hours. Liam loved watching his big sister and all the other people.  It was a great time, and we will definitely be going back next year.
The funniest (and most cringe worthy) moment was while Maggie was watching this little puppet show with chickens.  All the kids were seated on bales of hay, and a little girl with a snow cone sat next to Maggie.  After a minute, Maggie just leaned over and snuck a little bit of the girl's snow cone. My parents almost died laughing, but I had to be a good Mom and give her a stern talking to about 1) stealing food and 2) stealing strangers' food.  She said," Mama, I just wanted to share!"
Of course, she spilled her juice all over herself in the car on the way there, so she had to change her clothes.  For some reason, my mom only brought tights for her, so she wore Liam's size 12 months pants over tights for the remainder of the day.  It was quite the look.

The many (funny) faces of Magdalena

Magdalena is so funny.  She is really into taking pictures right now, so we had a little photo shoot the other day .  My camera is dying a slow and painful death, so the pictures aren't the clearest, but oh, well!  She makes me laugh all day long.  I am so thankful for my wonderful three year old!!



Halloween Felt Crafts & The Project that Didn't Make It

Maggie is obsessed with all things spooky.  I used to be very, very strict about keeping her away from anything that could be possibly be deemed "evil", and never allowed her to be exposed to anything supernatural-like.  Oh, how times have changed.

Some parents might disagree with me, but I really don't seem the harm in allowing her to watch age appropriate cartoons with ghosts or monsters in them.  They are her favorite, and every single night she says "I want to watch a scary movie and eat popcorn." Her scary movies are Monsters, Inc., The Princess and the Frog, and any Scooby Doo episode. We always stress that its all pretend and none of them are real.  She absolutely delights in being scared!

Anyway, she loves pretend ghosts, so I made her a little ghost friend.  She calls it her Ghost Baby and has been carrying it everywhere.

Here's a little Jack O' Lattern hair clip I made for her.  She loves this one too, and declared "I love my mad, little pumpkin!"

Earlier today, I heard Maggie playing at the table in the kitchen, and I didn't think anything of it.  Then, I remembered I had left a half finished project on it.  I have been wanting to make Liam a little name wall hanging for above his crib, so I spent about 4 hours last night cutting out the letters, polka dots and starting to sew everything by hand. I finished the 'L' and the 'I' and then Maggie decided to work on it a little bit.  I'm so bummed and have lost all motivation for this project now.  Maybe I'll revisit it over the weekend, maybe not.

Maggie just saw me writing this and said "Mommy, I am so, so sorry.  The letters are broken.  I'll never do it again.  I'll never cut the letters again."  Sweet girl.



Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
I don't often talk about my two (very) early miscarriages.  The first one was in June 2008, when Maggie was nine months old.  We were not trying to get pregnant, and were actually shocked when I realized I was about 6 weeks pregnant. Then, a week later, I started cramping and bleeding and we lost the baby. You can read about that experience here and here.
I have never talked about the second one on this blog.  It some ways it was less traumatic than the first one, and in some ways, more. It happened in April 2009, when we were trying for a second baby.  We had been trying for about 4 months, and I was obsessive about "making a baby".  I took pregnancy tests really early, and lo and behold, they were positive!  They were faint, so I kept taking them, and they were positive for about a week.  After that week, I started bleeding and lost the teeny, tiny baby.  The next month, I became pregnant with Liam. And the very day I found out, my sister also found out she was pregnant.  After all that heartbreak, it was such a gift to share our pregnancies together.  And now our baby boys get to grow up together!
Today, I took a few minutes to think about my babies, and all the other babies that died much, much too soon.  So many people have experienced the pain of pregnancy or infant loss. It is so hard to talk about, but so important to share.

A Girl and (her papa's) Dog

Maggie with my Dad's lab, Molly.  They were checking out the barking dog next door. I love this girl!

A Visit with Cousin Nathaniel

My sister and her family came to visit last week.  We had a wonderful time, and we even got to spend a night out with her husband and our brother. Liam is now outweighed by Nate by three pounds. They are so cute together.  I love seeing them grow up together!

My sister with the kids.

Cowboy Poker

If you know me "in real life", you know I am equal parts silly and nerdy.  I enjoy geeky pursuits such as role playing games, dressing up, and not really caring what I look like.  If you doubt these claims, just take a gander at these pictures from our semi-annual "Cowboy Poker" costume party,

which happened on Saturday night.  It was awesome.

The Trapper and Deus

The Trapper Ponders

A heated round of cards

Dusty Bottoms takes the Pot

My First E-Course

I am so excited to be taking the Wear it Well e-course from Lorrie at The Token Fat Girl! She is a super stylish plus size gal and I always love her look. She also documents her journey to lose weight naturally through good food choices and exercise, and I find her blog pretty inspirational. I have received most of the courses so far, but I haven't started quite yet.  I am planning on starting this weekend, although I have already begun to look for inspiration everywhere.

I have been reading fashion blogs, thinking about the clothes I already own (pretty dismal situation there) and am considering a slight change to my hair, like side swept bangs.  I love the vintage look, and also really like a very classic style, with quirky elements.  I have been non-stylish since I became a mom and like a cliche, I want the old me back.  I have been waiting to really start caring again for "when I lose weight".  While I still want to lose weight, I also want to be confident in who I am now.

If you are interested in joining me, the class is available for you to start at any time. Go here to purchase the Wear it Well e-course.  And a lot of her tips and lessons would be useful to women of any size.  I can't wait to get to the part where I go thrifting...I've never had any idea how to shop for my body type in a thrift store.  Hopefully, that will change!

I'll be posting pictures of my outfits as I go through this course, probably two or so a week.  I'm a little nervous about that, but also excited to see what I'll end up being able to put together!

A Do-Over

If you read my last post, you know a lot about what my last five years have been like.  If you didn't read my last post, well, you need to. So, go do that now.

The last five years have been some of the most awesome years of my life.  I married my love, had my two precious children, and learned a lot about myself and the world.  I love who I am now, and I love my family.

The one thing I don't love is the memory of our wedding.  I loved certain aspects of it, but mostly, I look back on it as just stress and anxiety.  I was so worried about pleasing everyone, and I designed our ceremony to please our pastor and others in our church.  I felt so torn in two, and I knew our families and non church friends felt like the wedding wasn't very us.  I agreed with them.  The worst part is that our ex pastor married us.   He let us down and disappointed us so greatly, and it is sad to think back on our wedding day and the large part he played.

This upcoming summer marks our five year anniversary.  To celebrate it, and hopefully facilitate even more healing, we are renewing our vows.  We are going to invite only close family and friends, do the ceremony in Bidwell Park, and then have dinner with everyone at our favorite special restaurant. I want to look back on our vows with happiness and love, not regret.  I want to feel like I am finally, truly free in choosing to be married to Mark.

I am freakin' excited to figure out the details and plan a mini-wedding.  And I mean, mini.  No wedding dress, no wedding party, minimal guests (25?), no wedding cake.  Wait, I take that last one back.  There must be a delicious cake.  Must.

My Cult Experience.

This is the story I have wanted to tell for a year and a half. It has taken me that long to really start speaking honestly about what we went through for three years at our former church.  I am definitely still in the healing process, and sometimes I feel like I am only at the beginning.  I'll try to keep this as concise as possible, but it is a long story...

In early 2006, I was feeling like something huge was missing from my life. I was experiencing a strong feeling that I needed to pursue a relationship with God.  I didn't really know how, though. My friend from high school  found me through Myspace and started inviting me to go to her church, or to her bible study.  It took a few times, but I finally went with her to her bible study, which was called a 'Cell Group'.  The girls there were so friendly, and a few of them shared their testimonies of giving their live to Jesus.  I felt like it was my destiny to become a Christian, and my friend prayed with me to receive Christ, all while in her car outside of a Starbucks. 
The church I belonged to followed a model of discipleship, which means I had a leader directly in charge of me, and we were supposed to have a spiritual  mother/daughter relationship.  This meant I was supposed to be in communication with her every day, tell her everything I was dealing with, and basically submit to everything she said. She, in turn, also had a leader and the same type of relationship.  I went to church on Sundays, Cell group on Mondays, and hung out with girls from the church all the time.  In the beginning, I was busy, but I was changing in positive ways and I was happy.
Mark was an atheist when we met, and he had no desire to live a life of faith.  After seeing all my positive changes, and hearing the Gospel, he prayed, and God began to change his heart.  He ended up also becoming a Christian, and joined a men's group at our church.  We had very similar experiences at our time at this church, although he thinks mine was worse.
After a few months, we went to something called an Encounter. The Encounter was three days spent away from "the world", where we were expected to encounter God and be completely changed in the process. There were lessons and teaching that were basically brain washing someone into accepting "The Vision" as God's one plan of evangelism and discipleship.  The Encounter left you emotionally and physically drained, as it was extremely intense and high pressure. This article, starting on page 8, explains exactly the group Iwas involved in and what encounters were like. I experienced almost everything in this article, except for some of the most expreme shock tactics.
After our first Encounter, we realized we were living a sinful life by living together.  We decided to rush our wedding, and get married that summer.  My wedding ended up being extremely disappointing to me, as I knew I had to have a certain type of wedding.  Our ceremony, and our vows, were designed to please our leaders, our pastor, and other members of our church.  Mark and I didn't have a sip of alcohol during our ceremony, which is, honestly, so unlike us.  I was unhappy and stressed out. There was obvious tension between our families and our church.
My sister even told me the night before that she was afraid that she was losing me. I brushed her off, and told her I was only going to be a better sister.
More and more expectations were placed on us at church.  Usually, these expectations had to do with numbers. We were required to bring people to cell group each week, but I never excelled at that.  I tried so hard, and invited people constantly.  I prayed daily for God to bring people to me, but it never really happened.  I was constantly chastised for this, and not allowed to be in positions of leadership.  The thinking was that if my life was right in the eyes of God, he would bring me fruit (people).  If I wasn't fruitful, well, then it was basically my fault and I wasn't trustworthy. Let me stress that at this time, I was a very active and faithful member.  I went to cell group, I went to Sunday service (sometimes two), I worked in the nursery, my husband ran the sound board during service, I went to leadership classes, prayer meeting, worship, bible studies, BBQ's, get togethers, whatever. 
But, time passed, and I was never moved up.  Other, newer members, were invited into positions of leadership, but I never was.  I was well liked and treated well, but I also knew I wasn't good enough for some reason.  I loved my cell leader, and I wanted a close friendship with her.  We called ourselves best friends, and talked daily, but she was not allowed to have an honest relationship with me.  She was only allowed to share with her leader, or other women "at her level".
During this time, the church worked to isolate us from our friends and families. We were directly told to cut off contact with friends if they were not interested in attending the church, and especially if they were against it.  While we were allowed to maintain contact with our families, it was basically just for show.  We were told not to ask for any advice from our parents, and not to reveal what was going on in the church.
We were not allowed to ever visit any other churches, or talk to to any other Christians who were not part of the Vision.We were told that other Christians weren't "real Christians"  and that every other church was lukewarm, and in essence, that God hates lukewarm Christians.  I honestly believed that we were the only ones living the way God intended.
When we had our first baby, I was given no grace as a new mom. I was expected to keep up our normal (very busy) church schedule. If I missed an event, I was chastised and told I had fear.  I was told over and over again that a “spirit of fear” or a “spirit of rebellion” was keeping me from real progress. I was encouraged to "lay my baby at the foot of Jesus", meaning that I should concentrate on my ministry. I felt so guilty, and honestly, it caused a lot of issues with bonding. When I had my son earlier this year, after we had left , my experience as a new mom was completely different.
This church, and their governing church, acted like family came first, but we were never allowed to put family before ministry. We were constantly told that many moms treat their children like Idols, and worship them. I was so afraid of that, that I purposely tried not to love my baby too much. Sad, isn’t it?
If someone left the church, we were directly told to cut off contact with them.  It made sense to me at the time, because they justified it by saying that things like "The people you hang out with are a prophecy of the person you will become."  When someone had been in the church for years, and had cut off all their relationship except the ones within the church, they were pretty much all alone if they left.  I knew that leaving meant that we would lose a huge part of our lives.
The pastor of the Church was/is the main problem.  His character, and his spiritual life, seemed to slowly evaporate over time. He spent at least 10 minutes every service preaching about tithing, and if you didn't constantly give at least 10% of your total income, you were considered to be rebellious. The numbers regarding the offerings were never released, but I do know Mark and I lived in a run down studio with our daughter, while the Pastor wore designers clothes, drove a BMW, had a pool and hot tub and ate at restaurants every day.  We were also taught about "loving on" on our leaders and "blessing" them, with gifts and other things.  I can't remember one time anyone went out of their way to bless us.  Just saying.
Everyone acted like they were perfect.  Everyone had to dress in the same style, and women were expected to have their hair and makeup done.  I heard one story about a girl who was crying as her leader straightened her hair before church, just because she wanted her to look a certain way.  Being one of the few big girls there, I was constantly self conscious, and I honestly believe it was one of the things that held me back from leadership.
Back to the pastor.  He had been married for around 15-20 years, and he claimed constantly that God had healed their marriage after some extremely rough patches.  He would act like he was so attracted to, devoted to, and in love with his wife.  At this same time, the pastor and a young, attractive girl started developing a very close relationship.  He called her his spiritual daughter, and she quickly became one of the leaders in the church.  After we were there for years, he sent his wife off on a week long trip to a conference in South America.  During that time, he announced to the leaders that they were divorcing because "God was releasing him from his marriage". Ummm, sure.
We left about six months after their divorce.  We left partially because of the divorce, but mostly because we were disappointed and tired.  I remember explaining our exit to our friends and family as "My relationship with God wasn't growing, and my relationships with people weren't growing."  The constant striving for numbers brought in takes its toll on you.  I was always wondering what was wrong with me.  Why was I still struggling with sin?  Why wasn't I a leader?  Just what was wrong with me?
Things have gotten even worse since we left. The pastor and the young girl have been dating since his separation, and he will take down and punish anyone who speaks against that relationship. She is now basically the co-pastor and she can be downright cruel and intimidating. He will disallow contact between people that truly love and care for each other if they speak against the relationship or the church.  Many long time members have left, but there are still so many there.  It saddens me so much to think these people, desperate for God, are being deceived and hurt by these people. And, also funding their lives.
I am choosing to share this story because I never, ever thought something like this could happen to me.  I consider myself to be a smart, knowledgeable woman.  I have read about many cults, and I would shake my head and wonder how anyone could be so gullible.
It happens slowly, and gradually.  Each step isolated us further from people who could have influenced away from the church.  We had so much time, so many emotions, so many relationships, and so much money invested into this vision, that we truly believed we would see a positive outcome.  And, most importantly, we truly believed this was the way to win God's favor.  I never knew another church, so I just believed it when everyone said that this was the best church they had ever been a part of of.
There are still so many more examples of how this church was spiritually abusive.  Basically, every aspect of our life was controlled either outright or subtlety. Every member of the church is is some way afraid of being punished.  Everyone's secrets and confessions were used against them and shared among "leaders", all while the pastor and his new girl obsessively tell people not to gossip.  The pastor is considered to be a "rogue pastor"  and is accountable to no one.  Neither himself, nor any member of the church, has any relationship with other spiritual leaders or church bodies in the area.  Also, their views on certain issues like drinking, smoking, dressing conservatively, smoking weed and basically partying, changed 180 degrees while we were there.  They claimed that one should just do just about anything to win the lost, including partying.  It was a surreal experience to see these extremely conserative people completely change.  In reality, it was just an excuse to adopt the Pastor's lifestyle of choice. 
A year and a half later, and I am spiritually reeling.  I have yet to find my footing. It has been a dark year for me in many ways, as I struggle to find my way back to abandoned friendships.  I was worried that maybe leaving meant that I was not saved for a while, and that scared me.  Through prayer, I realized my relationship with God is real, my savior is real, and there is a place for me in the Body.  Writing this, and speaking out against this church locally, has been a huge first step for me.  Now, I know it is time for me to get back into a church.  I  have a feeling there are great things in store for me there.
Please listen to your heart.  I truly wish I would have listened to mine a lot sooner.

A snake for Nathaniel

I have been meaning to share this for a while, but last month, I made this snake toy/decoration for my precious nephew, Nathaniel.  It is made from all felt, and I filled it with beans.  I imagined it as being the perfect thing to set on his shelves or in a special place in his room. 

2D to 3D

When you wake up early...

You can get a lot done!  I woke up at 5:00, when Liam started crying for a bottle.  He fell right back to sleep, but I couldn't.  So, I just gave in and stayed up.  It was so wonderful to have a few hours to myself , that I felt compelled to show my family how much I loved them.  We had a wonderful family breakfast, and even Liam loved his pancake bits and scrambled eggs.  Maggie was overwhelmed with excitement at this heart pancake.  It's the little things that make parenting such a rewarding, and usually, fun job.