Reading all your comments made me feel very loved. Thank you all!
I have a much better outlook/attitude today. I knew I needed to just get it all out and whine a little bit. Now, I feel purged of a lot of the fear and anxiety iIwas feeling yesterday. Yesterday was just that...a bad day. I prayed a lot yesterday, and that definitely helped!
I am challenging myself to change my perspective on this last month. These last few weeks are the final ones we'll spend as a family of three. They are the last weeks that I'll have sweet Liam in my tummy, feeling him move and stretch. They are, most likely, the last weeks I will ever be pregnant. I will have TWO children soon!
Having had 2 early miscarriages in between Maggie's and Liam's pregnancies, I am so grateful that we will have a healthy little boy to join our family. I really have so much to be thankful for. I am able to have children, carry them to full term and both me and my baby will be healthy. That's quite a blessing. The pain, the discomfort, the fear...these things are not from God and I shouldn't allow them to take over. They are temporary, and really, unimportant. I want to be joyful and loving, and ENJOY the rest of this pregnancy. It is so fitting Thanksgiving is right around the corner, reminding me to give thanks to God for an amazing life.
I spent some of today shopping for Christmas decorations and a few last minute baby supplies (breast pads, anyone?) and I really enjoyed myself. I realized that time is going to fly by and my baby will be in our arms so soon! Yes, I have a few challenges up ahead of me. But, I know I will emerge stronger, more confident and so proud of myself.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Cholestatis of Pregnancy
Basically, my gallbladder and liver are not working right. The gallbladder holds bile, which is produced by the liver, and is necessary to break down fats during digestion. Pregnancy hormones have slowed down the bile flow so much that the bile builds up in the liver, and eventually spills out in the blood stream. This causes severe itching.
I am really unhappy right now. I have never been this physically uncomfortable before in my life. I itch constantly. My legs, feet, hands, and arms are covered with cuts, scabs, blisters and are totally raw. My face is red, and extremely sensitive. I am up for hours almost every night, compulsively driven to scratch myself until I break the skin, over and over again. Mark has even seen me scratching in my sleep, between snores. I am a zombie during the day, barely awake enough to function. There have been a few nights where I literally did not sleep all night. Even though I am tired, the itching forces me into a strange half sleep, sitting on the edge of my bed, scratching and scratching until my fingers ache and become stiff.
Some of the symptoms of ICP include sleeplessness and depression...I am definitely dealing with both right now. I am overwhelmed with feeling like I have no control over my life. I am so tired every day, only to get into bed for another sleepless night.
Apparently, this is pretty rare. While about 4 women out of a 100 get Gestational Diabetes, only 1-2 pregnancies per 1000 are affected by ICP. Most doctors don't even know about it. I went undiagnosed last time...they had me take some of the necessary tests, but not all of them. This time, I have been a lot more vocal about the severity of the itchiness, and I finally got the right blood test yesterday (a liver bile acid test if you're interested). I have already had one test come back positive for reduced liver function, and I KNOW that my liver bile acid test is going to be elevated. I won't get the results for a few more days, but I am just waiting for that phone call. There is seriously nothing else this could be. It's not PUPPS, another itchy condition that is more common in pregnancy, because I have no rash.
ICP is unfortunately really serious. As I read more about it, I just cried and cried because I realize I should have pushed harder for a correct diagnosis last time. ICP babies need to be born between 36 and 37 weeks, because the liver bile acids can get high enough to...kill the baby. I am freaking out right now, because I guess I will have the baby earlier than I thought. I just hope my Doctor is aware of all of this, and it doesn't become a fight to deliver early. I am not always so good at being an advocate for myself, but obviously I will push for this, and bring in any documentation I need to. I am hopeful he knows all about this since the correct blood test was ordered, which a lot of doctors don't even know about. Yep, that's how rare this is.
I am just so uncomfortable, and so out of it all the time. I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel hideous, like a leper or something. I hate the way my body looks, covered with disgusting scabs and sores. I feel like I am so ugly. I am so tired. And sore. And itchy. And worried for my sweet babe. I feel like I am losing it.
I don't want my baby to come early. I want him to bake as long as he needs to. A C-section was already scheduled for 38 1/2 weeks, and I am freaked knowing it might be a week or two earlier. Mark's finals were going to be done the day before the c-section. Now, he might be still be in school when we have the baby. I don't know what I will do without him there to take care of us. I have my mom, but it's not even close to the same.
I have been crying all day. I feel so overwhelmed. I could use a hug and some prayers. I don't expect to feel better physically until i have the baby, but I would really like to feel better emotionally and mentally.
I am really unhappy right now. I have never been this physically uncomfortable before in my life. I itch constantly. My legs, feet, hands, and arms are covered with cuts, scabs, blisters and are totally raw. My face is red, and extremely sensitive. I am up for hours almost every night, compulsively driven to scratch myself until I break the skin, over and over again. Mark has even seen me scratching in my sleep, between snores. I am a zombie during the day, barely awake enough to function. There have been a few nights where I literally did not sleep all night. Even though I am tired, the itching forces me into a strange half sleep, sitting on the edge of my bed, scratching and scratching until my fingers ache and become stiff.
Some of the symptoms of ICP include sleeplessness and depression...I am definitely dealing with both right now. I am overwhelmed with feeling like I have no control over my life. I am so tired every day, only to get into bed for another sleepless night.
Apparently, this is pretty rare. While about 4 women out of a 100 get Gestational Diabetes, only 1-2 pregnancies per 1000 are affected by ICP. Most doctors don't even know about it. I went undiagnosed last time...they had me take some of the necessary tests, but not all of them. This time, I have been a lot more vocal about the severity of the itchiness, and I finally got the right blood test yesterday (a liver bile acid test if you're interested). I have already had one test come back positive for reduced liver function, and I KNOW that my liver bile acid test is going to be elevated. I won't get the results for a few more days, but I am just waiting for that phone call. There is seriously nothing else this could be. It's not PUPPS, another itchy condition that is more common in pregnancy, because I have no rash.
ICP is unfortunately really serious. As I read more about it, I just cried and cried because I realize I should have pushed harder for a correct diagnosis last time. ICP babies need to be born between 36 and 37 weeks, because the liver bile acids can get high enough to...kill the baby. I am freaking out right now, because I guess I will have the baby earlier than I thought. I just hope my Doctor is aware of all of this, and it doesn't become a fight to deliver early. I am not always so good at being an advocate for myself, but obviously I will push for this, and bring in any documentation I need to. I am hopeful he knows all about this since the correct blood test was ordered, which a lot of doctors don't even know about. Yep, that's how rare this is.
I am just so uncomfortable, and so out of it all the time. I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel hideous, like a leper or something. I hate the way my body looks, covered with disgusting scabs and sores. I feel like I am so ugly. I am so tired. And sore. And itchy. And worried for my sweet babe. I feel like I am losing it.
I don't want my baby to come early. I want him to bake as long as he needs to. A C-section was already scheduled for 38 1/2 weeks, and I am freaked knowing it might be a week or two earlier. Mark's finals were going to be done the day before the c-section. Now, he might be still be in school when we have the baby. I don't know what I will do without him there to take care of us. I have my mom, but it's not even close to the same.
I have been crying all day. I feel so overwhelmed. I could use a hug and some prayers. I don't expect to feel better physically until i have the baby, but I would really like to feel better emotionally and mentally.
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