Thursday, October 30, 2008
I feel good. I feel free. A little jittery, but good. I know it will get easier and easier. The first day is the hardest. This time, I am walking away, and never looking back. I will never allow myself to smoke another cigarette. That chapter is closed. It's just so not me!
Saturday, October 25, 2008
I lived apart from God for a summer and it was terrible. I just didn't know how to keep going, and I let myself get sucked back into a world I left years earlier. I wasn't like out partying or doing anything really wild, but my heart was not for Jesus. I secluded myself, hung out with our families and just got through every day somehow.
But, I was hurt. So hurt. I would cry and cry, feeling like I was dying. I was tired all the time, and my body just ached. I had started smoking again, and that made me feel terrible. I clung to Mark, but he is only human and would let me down. I just concentrated on Maggie and tried to figure out what I was going to do. I missed God, I ached for Him, but I didn't know where to turn. Eventually, God's pull was too great for me to ignore any longer, and I called my leader from Zion, Morgan. It took a couple tries for me to feel ready to fully come back and deal with the issues that drove me away from church. But, this time, I have really, really been honest and concentrating on just knowing Jesus. My times in the Word have been so awesome, my prayer life is so rewarding and amazing and I just feel...ready. I don't feel like a baby Christian, but I feel renewed. I feel like I was dragging a huge stone around with me for like two years, and now that stone is removed. I feel like I can run now. It is so emotional to be in this place, because I didn't know how long it would take to get here. Over the summer, I knew I would be living for God again, but I honestly had no idea how long my process would be. The prospect of returning was too scary. I couldn't imagine walking into church, and being surrounded by dozens of people who i had walked out on, who I had abandoned with barely a phone call. But it was awesome. The atmosphere in our church is so spirit filled and God immediately started working in my life. I returned at the beginning of August, and now it's been almost three months. I can honestly say I have changed a great deal in those three months. I am way more mature than I ever was, and I think I am so much more willing to lay my life down now. I really don't care what I look like anymore..maybe because I went away and "looked" about as bad as it gets. I just have fallen so in love with Jesus again, and so in love with His church. I feel so loved, so special and so necessary. God is just so amazing. I have flaws-big ones-but God loves me and accepts me for who I am, right now. He wants the best for me, and only wants me to listen to Him. Jesus has saved me from hell, and he enabled me to succeed in life. Being a Christian is basically just acknowledging those two things. That's it. I live my life in praise and worship, because he has saved me. And I live my life with passion, and motivation and power, because He has enabled me to do so. And all He asked of me was to choose Him. That's how it all began, two and a half years ago. I chose to have faith. I chose to set myself apart, to follow a different path and to serve God. It has been a rocky journey at times, and I failed over and over again. But God is always there, to pick me back up again, dust me off and set my on the right path. You don't have to be perfect to have a relationship with God. You just have to be willing to have faith. You have to chose to give up control, and have faith that the creator of the universe knows you, created you, and loves you enough to have a plan for your life. That just sounds exciting, doesn't it? It's not about being in church on Sunday mornings, listening to a message, blindly accepting everything we are told and then going to spend your week as a Christian robot. My life is dynamic, and full of excitement and passion and love. I love God, and for the first time, I think, I love myself. So cheesy, but so true. If God is speaking to you, and you know you have been ignoring Him, STOP! Just take a baby step towards God. He will meet you there. If your life is desperate and broken and just want to give up, Jesus knows. He knows you are tired and alone, and He wants to be in your life. Maybe pick up a Bible. Pray, asking God to begin to reveal himself to you. Ask him to give you faith to believe. Call a friend you know is Christian. E-mail me. I only desire that others would be empowered to change and be healed. I have been there.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
In some ways, my life is at what I suspect to me the lowest point it will ever be at. Our circumstances don't look good at all. But, at the same time, my life is the best it's ever been. My relationship with God is probably the best it's ever been, and that changes everything. I feel at peace with myself, and I feel loved by God. I feel like God is performing miracles in my life, and I finally feel so compelled to really lead other women to Christ. Also, my marriage is so healthy, so happy and I feel so blessed by it. Even in this hard time, there is so much good in my life.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Yesterday morning, I woke up, remembered that I stupidly left everything in the car, and went out there to get it. I was so confused when everything was gone, including my Bible. I thought I must have brought them in and forgot it..or put them in the back seat or...something. But, no. Everything is gone. Sigh. And the truly annoying thing is that there was nothing of value to whoever stole it. My wallet had no cash. No bank card. No credit cards. Just stuff that I needed. Me and Maggie's medi-cal cards, a gift card to a coffee place worth $2.50 that I was saving for just the right time...but nothing big. My license wasn't even in it, by a weird twist of fate. Maggie loves playing with my wallet and had hid my license in her ball pit, which I found yesterday.
It's just the cell phone that really gets me down. We have had such an issue with phones lately, and have gone through so many phone numbers and stuff. This cell phone was a pay as you go phone, and it had a big chunk of money still on it. We are having a really, really, hard time financially right now and this was a big blow. We are paying off some debts in the next three months that went to a collection agency and we are barely getting by. One of these payments went through 4 days early, before we had the money in the account. Of course, that happened yesterday. So, once again, we are overdrawn. It is so depressing when you get a paycheck and most of it is already spent. It is so hard sometimes.
I cried yesterday because of this. I started to say stuff like "I hate today. I wish I could just go back to bed." and then I stopped. It was Tuesday, Mark's only day off besides Sunday. It was going to be a family day and I had been looking forward to it all week. I just closed my eyes, and ordered dispair to leave my life. I thought to myself "This is the day the Lord made." and chose not to dwell on it. Things will get better. They have to.
On the Bible stealing: It's a little amusing, no? And, just, strange. And my Bible isn't like a pristine, black leather covered Bible. It looks more like a textbook, and its spine is broken and two pages are missing where Morgan son ripped them out when he was a baby. There are notes everywhere, highlighted areas, tons of notes and papers tucked in...it was just so personal. Who else would want that? Mark and I talked about it and he was all excited saying "I've heard about people stealing Bibles and then getting saved and ultimately returning the Bible. What if that happens?" I like that thought. Maybe the person is reading my Bible, and my notes, and getting impacted. God has a plan, and sometimes that plan can look pretty wacky. Maybe my Bible getting stolen was the starting point for something incredible. Maybe one day I'll open the front door and the Bible will be sitting on my doorstep. Hopefully, it will be joined by my purse, wallet and cell phone, too!
Monday, October 20, 2008
Okay, I'm not one. But, Maggie is..and she knows it! It took me five minutes to teach her to put her one finger in the air whenever anyone asks her age. Now, she says "One!", points one finger in the air and is very excited by all of this. I got a video of her pointed her finger, but of course, I didn't have the camera on a minute earlier when she said "One!" perfectly. She is so darned smart!
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Why aren't we trying again? Well, I don't really know. I tell myself it's not the right time....not enough money, not enough space, I'm too fat right now, my last pregnancy was so hard...so many excuses. And there's another huge reason that I haven't wanted to admit to myself: not everyone was very nice to us when we found out we were pregnant. There were family members that were very against it and made me feel horrible, irresponsible and selfish. It hurt a lot, and I know I am fearful about it happening again. And last time, we weren't even trying. At all. What will they say if they think that we were actually wanting this to happen?
I don't really want to operate out of fear anymore. I want to live a life of faith, of radical faith! So what if we don't have enough money? God has enough money. And, He wants to prosper and grow us as a family. It will happen. And our lives are not based on material success or money, our lives are based on Christ.
It is strange to be where I'm at. I feel like a tiny piece of me died when that baby died. I am just so sad sometimes, so jealous sometimes, so angry and confused. And I know another baby will never replace the baby we lost. That baby is gone. And someyimes, I feel so freaking guilty. I know it was nothing I did, but those evil thoughts pop up. And sometimes, the really evil thoughts pop up and I start thinking that is all my fault. And it's ridiculous. I know God. God didn't take this baby away to punish me or because I wasn't good enough. But at times, like in the middle of the night, the devil starts whispering these things to me. "You weren't healthy enough" "Remember that wine you drank?" "Were you really happy when you found out you were pregnant?" "Did you even want this baby?" and I feel like, somehow my doubt or fear or failures killed this baby. And, I know, like REALLY know, that this is just bullshit. Sorry, no other word for it. I hate that this happened and I hate that I didn't just bounce back. Sometimes I hate that I can't just shake it off and agree with the people who think a 6 week old fetus is just a bunch of cells. It wasn't a bunch of cells, it was my baby. Who would have had a name. A face. A big sister. A future.
Despite the pain, I am ready to do it again. I know God is in control. It is not up to me to decide everything in my life. It is only up to me to seek God, to love him, and praise His name, even in the storm.
I am ready to see Maggie as a big sister. I am ready to be a mom again. I guess I just need to not care about what other people think. This is my life, and Mark and I will decide what's right for us and our family. If people choose to be upset, that is not my fault. If we need to move because of a new baby, we'll somehow find the money and make it work. I've already been thinking about business ideas. (On a sidenote, I added some Amazon links and another add..please check them out if you wish! It would awesome to earn some money from blogging. If we need anything, God will make it work. He always does.
All of that said, Mark and I haven't really talked about having another baby soon. No plans are made, we are not trying or anything like that. I'm just trying to figure out what I think. The one thing I do know is that I definetly have baby lust. Mmmm..baby.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
We're making a big change today. I can't stand sharing a room with Maggie anymore. I love her, I love being around her, but I AM READY TO HAVE MY ROOM BACK! I want to be able to read before I fall asleep, or actually have a conversation with my husband in bed, I want to not have to worry about being quiet when I get in or out of bed. The only problem is our tiny house. I can't put Maggie in the living room, because that would mean that we would be trapped in our bedroom from 7:30 on. Not going to happen. So, we're giving Maggie the bedroom. I am surrendering. I admit defeat. I will happy turn over the bedroom to Maggie, if it means her not fully waking up every time she sees us or Mark starts snoring particularly loud. We're (gasp) getting rid of the couch, moving our bed to the living room, and moving all of Maggie's things into her room. I think it will actually work out really well. We don't really ever entertain at our house because of it's size issues, so not having the couch isn't such a big deal. We also have one really comfy over sized armchair and a full dining set. I am so excited about this, I can't wait to put Maggie to bed tonight. I'm going to fully decorate it as her room, too. I think I'm even going to paint a simple mural for her. I am just so excited about having a little more freedom at night, and the idea of finally getting to decorate Maggie's room. Yes, our house is small, and old, but I am starting to not care so much. I know we won't be here forever, and I am determined to enjoy the time we have here. We are already outgrowing this house, and I would love to have more space for Maggie, but I know that will come. Someday, hopefully soon, everyone in the family will have a bedroom to call their own!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Tuesday night was hard because her fever shot up to 104 and she was so miserable. We sat up with her, as I looked through all my baby books, deciding if we should take her into the emergency room. She hadn't eaten anything in 24 hours, was having trouble breathing and was just so incredibly hot and miserable. We decided to pray before we did anything.
Morgan, one of my best friends and my leader at church, has been talking about applying the blood of Jesus when you pray. So that's what I did. I thanked God for Jesus' sacrifice on the cross, and thanked Him that because of Jesus, we can have perfect health. I prayed that the blood shed from the crown of thorns would wash over her body, healing it perfectly. Having authority over Maggie's life and body, I also commanded her body to work properly and perfectly, according to the Word of God, and in the name of Jesus. I asked that God begin to lower her fever immediately, and that all three of us would find peace and comfort. I asked God straight up for a miracle, and he delivered. Honestly, we took her temperature again after praying, and it had already started to drop. By 4:30 in the morning, it was down to 102, and by the next afternoon, it was 100.5. She was able to sleep more, and has been recovering quickly ever since. Tylenol wasn't working before, nothing was working before. We were about to go to the hospital if her temperature kept rising, but that didn't happen. It was a miracle, and I am so grateful to God for keeping her safe, and keeping our whole family joyful and free from fear.
I have been reading Genesis the last few days (I'm planning on reading Genesis and Exodus over the next week or so) and it has been so good. God has just been speaking to me about these two books, since I have never really read them all the way through. I just feel like God is telling me to read these because He's is leading me out of something, into a new season in my life. I don't know exactly what I'm going to receive from God while reading these books, but I am excited to find out. It has been freeing to meditate on Adam and Eve, dealing with temptation, succumbing to that temptation, and then their reaction to that, as well as God's. Pastor Scott preached on this a few weeks ago, and it was SO amazing!! It changed my life! You can hear his message here, and I highly recommend it if you are going through something and you are feeling fear or like you are trying to hide from God. Seriously, this could change your life today!