Happy 10 Month Birthday, Magdalena!

Dear Magdalena,

Today you are ten months old! I cannot believe that you are almost a year old. Soon, I won't have a baby anymore, I'll have a toddler!
You are incredible! You have changed so much in these last couple of months. You crawl extremely well and very fast. You have been crawling since you were eight months old. You pull up on all furniture, at all times. You are ALWAYS in motion, and usually standing up. You are always trying to climb up on things, and you are very clever at using your walker as a ladder. Speaking of your walker, you walk all over the house with it You push it backwards and forwards and barely lean on it at all. You cruise everywhere, going from one piece of furniture to the next. You are very coordinated and extremely determined t go where you want to go.
You can stand all on your own, without holding on to anything, for 5-10 seconds. Then you slowly squat down and sit down. You can walk barely holding Mommy or Daddy's finger, and we think your first steps aren't too far off.
Your favorite toys are your baby dolls, your wooden princess puzzle, your foam blocks and all your books. Your love very girlie things, pink things, sparkly things, baby dolls, anything with a little girl on it. Mommy has even bought you balls and cars, but you are not interested. I am interested to see if this is a hint of what's to come in the future.
You are currently pretty obsessed with pillows and anything soft. You fling yourself onto pillows over and over again, rubbing your face into the soft material. You have even stood up on something and then fallen onto a pillow, over and over again. You also love laundry and blankets. You sit on the ground, bend over and rub your face into whatever you have. The only time you are still during the day is when you find something soft to lay in and enjoy for a minute. It is so funny!
You are freaking hilarious. Really. You talk to yourself all day long, and make noises that sound like bird chirps and also seem to fully speak some dialect of African, complete with clicks and throat noises. It is so funny. You also stick your tongue out all the time, even waving it wildly around or flicking it. You smile constantly, almost never cry and laugh all day long. You bring an incredible amount of joy into the world. You are so adorable, and every time I go out with you, I know that people will comment on you. You just radiate happiness!
Your first name, Magdalena, comes from Mary Magdalene, who was transformed by Jesus and walked with Him, practically as a disciple. She had a personal relationship with Jesus, one of friendship and intimacy (although I AM NOT saying they had a sexual relationship like some theories claim.No, no, no,no.). She was there at his death, and Jesus first appeared to her after the resurrection. Basically, she gave her life to be there with Jesus, and to serve Him. She met Him, was transformed, and devoted her life to Him. I love it. I know at one point in your life, you will meet Jesus and be transformed. I believe that you will have a real and extremely meaningful relationship with Jesus.
Your middle name, Ruth, means "friend" in Hebrew. She is a amazing woman in the Bible. She is steadfast and obedient and follows the ways of the Lord. She refuses to take the easy way out and is loyal and good. She is just so simply righteous and honest, and is rewarded for her steadfastness.
Magdalena Ruth, you have so much potential already. You astound everyone around you. You figure things out so quickly, and you are so engaged with the people around you. You are constantly interacting and exploring. You are just so much fun and so loving.
Needless to say, I am proud of you. You are such a gift. I love being your mom and my life is so amazing with you in it. I love you, Roo!!
Mommy

A Week Later...

And we're doing good! Things have gotten so much better since my last post! I had a few more cramps after I last posted, but nothing too bad. Emotionally, I think Mark and I are in a really good place. Basically, it happened, and there's nothing to do about it. The only thing we get to choose is how we deal with it. And we choose to move on. We're kinda happy that this happened on Father's day because we will ever forget this baby. Every Father's Day, we will spend a few moments remembering this baby and praising God for the week that I was pregnant.

We have no plans to try for another baby right now. We will probably wait until Magdalena is two before we try again. But, on the other hand, the baby we lost was a COMPLETE surprise, so obviously the timing isn't completely up us. On thing that I have learned is how satisfied I am with my current life. I am so blessed to have Mark and Magdalena! I have learned to be joyful in what I have right now, instead of looking to the future for happiness. If I never had another child, I would feel very content with my family. More children will add to the joy, but I finally feel like I am okay where I am at.

Here's some new Maggie pictures:

A Bad Day

*This is pretty graphic and brutally honest. You are hereby warned.*

I thought I was okay. After the ultrasound on Tuesday, we were so relieved for it just to be over. I just wanted the pain, physical and emotional, to stop. And it did. The last two days have been great. I stopped bleeding yesterday, and I was just starting to feel normal. Mark was doing good, too. We knew it was over, that our baby was dead, and there was just nothing we could do about it. That's blunt, but sometimes you just need to be honest so that you can deal. You know, I even guiltily felt senses of relief that I didn't have to be pregnant right now. Maggie's pregnancy was so grueling and I really wanted to lose a significant amount of weight before I got pregnant before. So, I hung onto those feelings...and I tried to convince myself that that since it was so early in my pregnancy, it didn't hurt as much. I still believe that a loss this early is completely different that a full-term loss, or even a loss in the second trimester. But, I guess I have to remind myself, it's still a loss and I have a right to grieve. I have been way, way strong and I don't feel like it right now.
Today, I started cramping again. Bad. Way worse than any of the previous cramping. Like crying-can't move off the floor-hoping I'm not going to die pain. Thank God, it started about ten minutes before Mark got home. And it's lasted an hour and a half so far. It's better now, thanks to some painkillers. But, seriously, it reminds me of being in labor. It hurts so freaking much and I get nothing out of it. This might seem so morbid, so weird, but it would be easier for me if there was a dead baby to see. Is that crazy? I mean, I barely passed any tissue, but I instinctively touched every blood clot. And at the time, I thought, I have to touch my baby. It is so hard to explain. I just wanted someone to say goodbye to. Just a few minutes ago, I told Mark this, that I wanted something to hold, to say "I love you" and to let go. He understood completely. But, I never will see this baby, alive or dead, because it was just too tiny. And I'm not mourning that tiny speck of tissue, I'm mourning what he or she would have been. I'm mourning the chance for Maggie to have a brother or sister 18 months younger than her. I'm mourning the feeling that we were about to be a family of four. I'm mourning ever getting to know anything about this baby. I cannot and will not believe that this just a biological "mistake" that was never meant to be. God formed this baby perfectly and put it in my womb and then something went wrong. God knows who this baby is and I never will. The only memory I get of this baby is pain, disappointment, and tiny blood clots on toilet paper and it makes me want to scream.
I didn't think I would still be going through this. I thought all the physical pain was gone, and that made me feel like i was better. When the pain started again, and suddenly it felt like I was going into labor, it brought everything back, and so much more. The disappointment, the finality, the inexplicable shame and embarrassment, the longing... I just want this to end. Being in this much pain sucks.

Sad

I will never forget Father's Day 2008. It was Mark's first father's day. And it was the day we lost our second baby.
I started bleeding on Saturday afternoon. I was worried, but not too worried. I spotted with Maggie quite a bit. Still, I called the midwives. Ellie, the midwife on call (and the midwife who was with me during Maggie's long labor and birth) told me to take it very easy the next couple of days and to stay off my feet as much as possible. She said that as long as I'm not cramping, it's ok. I continued bleeding all night and all Sunday, but I wasn't cramping at all. We were starting to feel optimistic.
Mark got called in to work Sunday night. He had to help move fire evacuees back into their nursing homes in Paradise. He was only supposed to be gone three hours, but it ended up being five hours. In those five hours, I started cramping bad. I called Ellie again, and she said it sounded like I was miscarrying. I called Mark and told him what she said. He is having a really hard forgiving himself for leaving me during this. But, he felt like he had to help and I understand. The poor guy finished out his shift, crying and breaking down. He said he co-workers (all guys) were amazing and supportive.
We were still unsure of what had happened, since I only cramped for about 1/2 hour on Sunday, and then another hour or two on Monday. So, yesterday, I had an ultrasound and there was no baby. Just a blank spot where the baby should be.
It's sad. Really sad. But, we had a weekend to prepare for this and we were ready for the ultrasound. We cried a lot this weekend, and we just wanted to know whether or not the baby was okay. When we found out the truth, it was a relief in a way. We could let the hope die, and begin to move on.
We only knew this baby for a week. I only get choked up thinking about who this baby could have been. Another girl? A boy? What would be they be like? I'll never get to know, and I feel like there will always be a little question mark in my life.
We are okay. Mark went back to work this morning, after taking two days off. It's strange to have life just return to normal. Mark at work, me and Maggie at home..and I'm not pregnant. It's just strange. But, life goes on and we feel so, so blessed to have Magdalena. She is perfect and we are just so thankful for our family. We will have another baby someday..just not now.

Surprise!!!

I'll keep this short and simple:

Last night, I found out that we are expecting Baby #2! Maggie is going to be a big sister! I am pretty sure I am about 4 weeks along, which means the baby will arrive in February. We are SO surprised, but very excited. We love our little Roo so much, and can't wait to have even more of that love. My first OB appointment is July 24th, which makes it seem oh-so-real! We are spending today telling friends and family, and trying to just get used to this big news!

Surprise Trip

Well, i have been talking to my sister, Sarah, a lot lately and she has been such a wonderful blessing these last few weeks. I don't know what I would do without her. She lives about 3 hours away, and we see each other probably 6-8 times a year. Mark and I have always been very close with her and her husband, Russ.
Anyways, I've really wanted to see her, and it has been way hard with work schedules and Maggie to factor in. So...Yesterday Sarah, called and suggested, nay, insisted that we meet in Sacramento and spend a day and a night hanging out and staying in a nice hotel (the Hyatt Regency). So, I agreed. I leave tomorrow morning and will be back by noon on Sunday. Mark is watching Maggie and I am so, so excited. Mark is really excited for me and being very supportive about this. And, he is really excited to have so much time alone with "his Roo" as he says. Did I say I was excited yet? I need this. Bad.
I was put in charge of activities and scheduling (we are both very detail-orientated people that thrive on schedules. So, we're meeting at the hotel at noon, having lunch, touring the capitol museum and building (I LOVE history), seeing Speedracer at the IMAX theater, and then going to a Tapas restaurant for dinner. And then, back to the hotel for some girl talk and some sleep that will be 100% uninterrupted by a small child. I know I will miss Mark and Maggie, but sister time is so important. The last time we took a trip alone was FIVE years ago! And two years ago, we went to Napa with my Mom. We both love travelling and have many of the same tastes, so it is always fun and stress free. And, I'll take lots of pictures!

26

I am now officially 26 years old. Yesterday was my birthday! Mark and I got engaged three years ago on my birthday, so June 3rd is now an extra special day. This year's was...okay. Mark has always had a lot of trouble planning for birthdays or holidays, and unfortunately yesterday was no exception. The worst part was that he forgot it was my birthday all morning, and had to call me from work to wish me a happy birthday. No card, no present. Nothing. Sigh. I'll live.
I have a twin brother, so my mom took us out to dinner to celebrate my birthday, which was fun. But, my heart just wasn't in it. I kinda just wanted my birthday to end so I could stop pretending that it was a good day. But, I did get some money and a target gift card from my mom and mother in law. And they were both insistent that I actually spend it on myself. I am notorious for using any extra money I have on Maggie. So, I bought some really cute clothes and that cheered me up quite a bit. I even did something I haven't done for probably 15 years...I bought a pair of shorts! I have always hated shorts, but I have no summer clothes and these were just calling my name. They are black, a little shiny, they fit me perfectly and they are so chic. I love them and I think shorts are my new thing. They can be classy, I realized. Just, no jean shorts for me...or any kind of cargo shorts or anything. And when I paired my slightly shiny, chic, black shorts with a new 3/4 length, lightweight, baby pink sweater, some pearls and black flats...I felt like the old me. I was always very put together, and always very preppy. I like preppy, it works on me. The old me cared about what she looked like, and took some enjoyment and pride in getting dressed every morning. I loved it. I feel re-energized, and Mark loved the new look. He agreed it was very me "before Maggie". We called the look "Mommy Chic" and he agreed I need more clothes. I am looking forward to taking baby steps back to my old self. Hopefully a haircut, a mani/pedi, some tan in a bottle, and some new makeup are also in my future. So maybe my birthday wasn't so bad. I have a feeling 26 is going to be a fabulous year. I don't know why, but I just do. I am so excited for my life!

The Swings: A Collection

Maggie Status Update

On the 27th, Magdalena turned nine months old. She is seriously growing up and changing so fast. She is crawling super fast, and pulling herself up on everything. She is cruising from one piece of furniture to another, and yesterday she stood all by herself, without holding on to anything, for five solid seconds. She was just standing there, and I was screaming at Mark "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh" the whole time she was doing it. She is also using her walker to walk all over the house, and she is just so active. She is a consatnt ball of motion. She tries to leap out of my arms and off of furniture all the time. She is taking steps really well in general.
Last week, she started waving and clapping. Before, she would flap her arms for both of these motions. Then, it seemed like she suddenly understood they were two different motions. Her little claps are so cute and make such a soft clapping noise.
She is stil saying Mama and Dada a lot, and she also said "bye-bye" out of nowhere to Mark's cousin as she was leaving.
She has spent a lot of time outside lately, and she loves it. We take her to the park a lot, and she especially enjoys the swings and crawling around on the foam in the toddler section. On Saturday night, Maggie spentthe night with my mom and Mark and I had an amzing day together. We went to a movie (I actually dragged him to Sex and The City..it was so good!) and then did some shopping at Trader Joe's. We bought three different cheeses, a baguette, and fruit and we had a floor picnic. It was so fun and so relaxing. It was great!

Hard to say...

I'm emotionally in a weird, uncomfortable place right now. It's weird to write about, especially when lots of people I know in real life read this blog. For right now, I prefer not to share too much. One day soon, I'll discuss this more. But, I would greatly appreciate prayers for God to reveal His will for my life. I just need to hear from God where I should be, and what he wants me to do. I feel so confused right now. I have been very depressed for a long time (sigh) and I just couldn't ignore that feeling any more. I needed to examine that great unhappiness, to allow myself to dissect it and understand it. Where is it coming from, and how will it end? I know that God has a plan for me, a plan to free me from my pain and my discontent. But, where and how do I live that plan? Right now, I am broken. I sometimes feel like I am back at the beginning of my relationship with God, crying out to see Him, to feel Him, yearning to know Him better. I am just so unsatisfied with my life, at my attempts to be "better" and to see myself not changing, no longer growing. What do you do when you no longer love your life, in fact, not even like it any more? I guess you step back, examine all parts of it, and decide what needs to change. And that's where I am. I pray that God ends this painful indecision, this horrible state of nowhere nothingness. I feel like a ghost, homeless and alone, wandering, searching, looking for my former joyful life. It's not fun.

After all that seriousness, here's some Maggie pictures for you to enjoy: