Highest Weight: 250
Starting Weight: 238
Weight Last Week: 218
Current Weight: 216.5
Well, nothing too exciting to report here. I'm super pleased with my 1.5 pound loss this week. I'm at the point in my cycle where I am carrying a lot of extra water weight, and last month during the same week, my body would just not let go of any weight. I've made sure to drink a lot of water this week, and I think that's helped.
I'm running more often again, which has been challenging in the best way. I now run 2-2.5 miles about 3 times a week. I had a personal best of running 1 mile in 12:30, which means I have shaved 3 minutes and 15 seconds off of my single mile time. A couple of weeks ago, I did a practice 5K (3.1 miles), it took me over 46 minutes. I think I could do it faster now, and I plan to run one this evening.
I've stayed within my calorie goals this week, but, man...it was hard for me to really concentrate on healthy food. I have been craving chocolate and salt all week, and I indulged in something every day, which wasn't my plan. I really shouldn't have any guilt, as everything fit into my calorie and nutritional goals (grams of protein, carbs, fats, etc.), but I had cake from mother's day on two nights. And on the other nights, I ate a snickers. And I thought about that snickers bar all day until I ate one.
We haven't had any junk in the house for a couple of months, but then my husband went grocery shopping on Mother's Day with the kids and came back with a whole cake and a 6-pack of snickers AND a huge bag of M&M's. I was planning to treat myself with a candy bar for Mother's Day and asked for one, but he bought the 6 pack instead. And we had a movie night that night, so I asked him to buy a small regular sized bag of M&M's for the kids to split with their popcorn. Instead he bought the big bag AND the kids wanted to surprise me with a cake.
I wasn't upset with him, because he just thought the larger items were better value and we could put the candy into the freezer until I wanted another one some day. Yeah...this meant I had a snickers bar every night for 3 days in a row. And those M&M's taunt me from the freezer door, rolled up and smashed behind some frozen peas.
Even though I'm struggling with guilt, I'm not saying that this a healthy reaction. I mostly eat totally clean, nutrient dense meals, and I eat fresh fruit and vegetables every day, usually with every meal. And I work out. I run. I walk. A lot. 250 calories of a candy bar is not going to make me gain weight. I eat at a calorie deficient every single day, there is no way I could gain weight (aside from water weight and other natural fluctuations).
I'm still figuring out what it feels like to have a healthy relationship with food. I'm trying to create a sustainable lifestyle while reaching all of my health goals. I just don't want to feel like I need processed sugar or salty snacks, and this week I have been fighting that feeling every day. I hated feeling like I was always on the verge of a binge this week. I feel like I managed my cravings and emotions pretty well this week, but it has been a little rough.
This weight loss thing is no joke. Yes, the work I put into it is tough, but the emerging thoughts and feelings are much harder to deal with at times. I've talked before about the slight identity crisis I'm feeling, and it's still a daily struggle. Sometimes I feel like I'm just wearing a fat suit and my body feels so much less like me. I feel so healthy and fit until I look in the mirror or see myself without clothes on.
It has become a challenge to love myself every step of the way. Before I decided to change my life, I felt comfortable. I knew I was really unhealthy and I wasn't doing anything about it, but that was my status quo. It was my normal. Now, I have declared my status quo is no longer acceptable. The fat on my body is no longer comfortable. It's heavy, it's hot and it makes doing things harder. I often have to remind myself that I am doing everything I can, and that my body will eventually catch up with the person inside.
P.S. My husband, Mark, you know...the candy/cake pusher? He has been on this journey right along with me. He doesn't count calories or run. He rides his bike, does circuit training with me every night and has changed his diet by cutting out soda, most fast food and chips. He started at 242, and weighed in at 228 today. He's six feet tall and fairly muscular, so he is already slimming down quite a bit. I am so, so, SO proud of him!