My Weight Loss Journey- Week 12

Highest Weight: 250

Starting Weight: 238 (03/20/13)

Weight Last Week: 213.5

Current Weight: 211

Yep, I lost 2 1/2 pounds this week!  That means not only have I reached a milestone of 25 pounds gone, but I surpassed it and have lost a total of 27 pounds! I am more than a quarter of my way to my goal, which is so motivating.

My BMI has dropped from 41.2 to 36.2.  I'm still medically obese, and will only enter the "overweight" category when I reach about 172 pounds.  My ultimate goal is to no longer be considered overweight, which for my height, will happen when I get to 140 pounds. It seemed so daunting and basically impossible when I started 3 months ago, but I have no doubt that I will keeping going until I'm healthy.

I'm still running a lot and loving it more and more.  It's hard and I hate it, but I love it. I seriously get butterflies in my stomach every time before I run because I know how hard it is going to be, and how much I'll want to stop.  The beginning is the worst and I spend the first mile always fighting the voice that is like, "This suuuuucks!" After the first mile, I am warmed up and mentally in the game. I ran four miles last night, which was difficult but I felt amazing when I got home.

I love running because it is something I could never do. I hated it, it hurt, I was slow and I couldn't run for long without needing to stop. I started to run not because I thought it would be fun or because I liked it all, I started to run because I wanted to prove to myself that I could be whoever I wanted to be. I wanted to conquer one of my biggest fears and embarrassments and to know that I was capable of big change.

Running has changed the way I look at myself. I'm a runner. I'm a slow, still-fat* runner, but I'm a runner. I get compliments yelled to me almost every time I go for a run.  Last night, I was running at an elementary school track, and two teachers were standing outside, chatting during my entire 45 minute run.  When I started to head home and ran past them (still running,of course) one of the ladies said, "You are a rockstar!! Seriously, that is so awesome. You go, girl!"

Sometimes, the comments startle me or even maybe annoy me sometimes, but this one just made me so happy. I love when people are so surprised that I run and run for a pretty long time. It's reminds me that I'm doing something a lot of people don't choose to do, and I'm doing it with about 70 pounds of excess weight.  I can't even imagine how nice it will be to run when I'm not carrying around this weight! 

I'm slow. I can run a mile straight through, and I can do it in about 11:45 seconds if I push myself. If I run longer, like the 4 miles I did yesterday, my pace goes to about 13:30 a mile, which includes intervals of walking after I complete mile 1 and mile 2. I am hoping to get my 5K race pace under 39 minutes, which I think is realistic considering it is three weeks away.

*Fat.  Let's talk about that word. I hate that word, and I love that word.  

I have always identified with the word. I'm not curvy, I'm not big, I'm not just chubby...I've got a lot of extra fat and I'm fat. I was afraid of the word my whole life and I was always, ALWAYS afraid that someone would call me that.  And they did. 

Then, I decided that I didn't care. To me, it's not a big deal to call myself fat. I am. That doesn't mean I hate myself or my body.  It means that I have accepted my body for what it is and taken the power away from the word. I took the seemingly endless power away from the scale when I stopped acting like my weight is this big secret that could never be revealed. 

To me, calling myself fat does not mean I'm not beautiful.  One three letter word doesn't compete with the other words I use to describe myself- determined, committed, happy, beautiful, athletic, even sexy.  I understand others might disagree, but fat, for me, represents truth and acceptance and a chance to really look at when my choices are doing to my body.

Well, time for this fat runner to get going! I have a super busy week ahead of me, starting tomorrow. We're going camping (childless!) for the weekend with a group of our good friends. When we return home, one of my best friends (for the last 20+ years!) and her kids will be staying with us for three nights.   I am so excited!

My Weight Loss Journey- Week 11

Highest Weight: 250

Starting Weight: 238 (03/20/13)

Weight Last Week: 215.5

Current Weight: 213.5

I can't believe that it has been 11 weeks of a totally different life. Some days are more challenging than others, but usually, all of the changes come very naturally.  

This last Monday was my thirty-first birthday and it was a great day for so many reasons.

I spent a great day with my family, and treated myself to mushroom pizza and salad from one  of our favorite pizza places for dinner.  Then, we walked over to my favorite gourmet bakery and I chose a ginormous cream cheese brownie for my birthday treat.  Even though I totally indulged, I managed to stay within my calorie goal for the day.

My birthday present was a pair of running shoes that I got custom fitted.  My dad was so generous and bought them for me, and Mark bought me the fanciest pair of socks I've ever worn but feel amazing.  I ran 3.1 miles for my 31st birthday, and I felt kind of incredible.  On my 30th birthday, I wouldn't have been able to walk 3.1 without getting totally exhausted.  

Last year at this time, I was weighing a tad bit over 240 and I felt horrible.  I knew I was not looking my best, and I certainly wasn't feeling my best. This week, I weighed in at 213.5. I feel so much better, and I am getting used to the constant change.  Yesterday, I realized I hadn't looked at my license picture in a long time.  When I did, I gasped. I took a picture of myself and compared them.

I just have to say, I'm really proud of myself. I never thought I would be embarrassed about my "before", and I'm not exactly embarrassed, but I'm more like..."why?" This lifestyle seems like second nature to me now.  Even though I have off days, or even weeks, I know I am always moving towards my goal of being at a healthy weight and the level of fitness I desire.

The last few weeks, my weight loss had stalled, but I kept at it. This week, the weight has started dropping again and I'm pretty happy about that. I know weight doesn't mean everything, but the reality is that I am nowhere close to a healthy weight.  But, I am getting closer and when I lose a half a pound more, I will have lost 25 pounds since I started this crazy journey at the end of March. Now that I'm 213.5, being under 200 is suddenly seeming possible and that is super exciting.  Aside from hitting my goal weight, getting under 200 is the milestone I am most excited about. It will be a monumental moment for me, and there might even be tears.

Some of you have asked if I am taking measurements, and I have been! I need to take them again and then I'll share them next week.  I know I have lost 5-6 inches from my hips/abdomen alone, which has completely changed my wardrobe. I wear a lot of dresses, leggings and exercise clothes because a lot of my clothes have gotten pretty baggy.  I'm (maybe foolishly) hoping to stay in all of my "before" clothes until fall, and then I'm going to do a major wardrobe update. As I go down in sizes, I'm excited to hit thrift stores more often, too.  As a size 22 or 24, it was impossible to thrift shop unless I wanted a mu-mu or something equally as shapeless.

I'm off to make (the hilarious sounding) "protein balls" to have around for an easy delicious way to get a lot of protein and good fat.  Mine are no bake, and are made from oats, peanut butter, protein powder, raw cashews, ground flax seed, raw sunflower seeds, chia seeds, some dark chocolate chips and a little honey. I'll share it step by step next week, they are awesome for after a long run or if I need more protein for the day and I want something sweet.

Thank you so much for reading, and I hope you all have had a great week.

(Oh, I've been mulling over a few non-weightloss related posts that I want to write, so check in for that in the next few days!)

My Weight Loss Journey- Week 10

Highest Weight: 250

Starting Weight: 238 (03/20/13)

Weight 2 Weeks Ago: 216.5

Current Weight: 215.5

Well, hello!  You may or may not have noticed that I skipped last week's update.  I've been struggling a lot these last two weeks, and I was not in the mood to post that I had lost nothing, despite keeping my routine generally the same. 

These last three weeks, I have lost 2.5 pounds, which is still losing. It took me 2 weeks to lose this last pound, which is frustrating  Even though I knew to expect the weight loss to slow down, but it has been a bit discouraging.  I'm working out hard, and running 3 or 4 times a week.  A few days ago, I ran 4 miles, only stopping to walk for a minute after I finished each mile, and it felt amazing.  Mark and I finished 30 Day Shred last week, and have moved onto Jillian Micheal's "Ripped in 30" circuit training video. I also make sure I take at least 10,000 steps a day, which I feel keeps me active throughout the whole day, not just when i'm specifically working out.

I'm really realizing what a long process this is going to be. I know I still have a very long journey ahead of me, and I'm accepting that there will be weeks that I just don't lose anything. I know my body is changing, and my clothes continue to fit me looser, so I hold onto that.  I know that weight is just a number, but I am just so ready for this number to be smaller. I'm not ashamed of weighing 215 pounds (I'm actually super proud of it!), but...I just really, really want to be out of the 200's. My weight hasn't started with a "1" since my senior year of high school (12 years ago!).

So, I'm working out hard & still counting every calorie I eat.  I'm so used to this way of life now that it doesn't seem like too much effort, so that is nice.  I love exercising and running, and even though it is difficult and painful, I look forward to how awesome I feel when I am done.

I'm concentrating on the non scale victories; my fitness level continues to increase, muscles are become visible on my arms & legs, my collar bones have reappeared, my thighs don't jiggle as much and I haven't had a backache in months.  My jeans are falling off of me and all of my clothes fit so differently.  T-shirts that used to be skin tight are loose now.  These are the things that really matter and I am grateful for all the changes.

I hope you all had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend and I'll see you next Thursday for another update!

My Weight Loss Journey- Week 8

Highest Weight: 250

Starting Weight: 238

Weight Last Week: 218

Current Weight: 216.5

Well, nothing too exciting to report here.  I'm super pleased with my 1.5 pound loss this week.  I'm at the point in my cycle where I am carrying a lot of extra water weight, and last month during the same week, my body would just not let go of any weight.  I've made sure to drink a lot of water this week, and I think that's helped.

I'm running more often again, which has been challenging in the best way.  I now run 2-2.5 miles about 3 times a week.  I had a personal best of running 1 mile in 12:30, which means I have shaved 3 minutes and 15 seconds off of my single mile time. A couple of weeks ago, I did a practice 5K (3.1 miles), it took me over 46 minutes. I think I could do it faster now, and I plan to run one this evening.

I've stayed within my calorie goals this week, but, man...it was hard for me to really concentrate on healthy food.  I have been craving chocolate and salt all week, and I indulged in something every day, which wasn't my plan.  I really shouldn't have any guilt, as everything fit into my calorie and nutritional goals (grams of protein, carbs, fats, etc.), but I had cake from mother's day on two nights. And on the other nights, I ate a snickers. And I thought about that snickers bar all day until I ate one. 

We haven't had any junk in the house for a couple of months, but then my husband went grocery shopping on Mother's Day with the kids and came back with a whole cake and a 6-pack of snickers AND a huge bag of M&M's. I was planning to treat myself with a candy bar for Mother's Day and asked for one, but he bought the 6 pack instead.  And we had a movie night that night, so I asked him to buy a small regular sized bag of M&M's for the kids to split with their popcorn. Instead he bought the big bag AND the kids wanted to surprise me with a cake.

I wasn't upset with him, because he just thought the larger items were better value and we could put the candy into the freezer until I wanted another one some day. Yeah...this meant I had a snickers bar every night for 3 days in a row.  And those M&M's taunt me from the freezer door, rolled up and smashed behind some frozen peas. 

Even though I'm struggling with guilt, I'm not saying that this a healthy reaction. I mostly eat totally clean, nutrient dense meals, and I eat fresh fruit and vegetables every day, usually with every meal.  And I work out. I run. I walk. A lot. 250 calories of a candy bar is not going to make me gain weight. I eat at a calorie deficient every single day, there is no way I could gain weight (aside from water weight and other natural fluctuations).

I'm still figuring out what it feels like to have a healthy relationship with food.  I'm trying to create a sustainable lifestyle while reaching all of my health goals.  I just don't want to feel like I need processed sugar or salty snacks, and this week I have been fighting that feeling every day. I hated feeling like I was always on the verge of a binge this week.  I feel like I managed my cravings and emotions pretty well this week, but it has been a little rough.

This weight loss thing is no joke. Yes, the work I put into it is tough, but the emerging thoughts and feelings are much harder to deal with at times.  I've talked before about the slight identity crisis I'm feeling, and it's still a daily struggle.  Sometimes I feel like I'm just wearing a fat suit and my body feels so much less like me.  I feel so healthy and fit until I look in the mirror or see myself without clothes on. 

It has become a challenge to love myself every step of the way. Before I decided to change my life, I felt comfortable.  I knew I was really unhealthy and I wasn't doing anything about it, but that was my status quo.  It was my normal. Now, I have declared my status quo is no longer acceptable. The fat on my body is no longer comfortable.  It's heavy, it's hot and it makes doing things harder. I often have to remind myself that I am doing everything I can, and that my body will eventually catch up with the person inside. 

P.S. My husband, Mark, you know...the candy/cake pusher?  He has been on this journey right along with me.  He doesn't count calories or run.  He rides his bike, does circuit training with me every night and has changed his diet by cutting out soda, most fast food and chips. He started at  242, and weighed in at 228 today. He's six feet tall and fairly muscular, so he is already slimming down quite a bit. I am so, so, SO proud of him!

Weight Loss Journey- Week 7

Highest Weight: 250

Starting Weight: 238

Weight Last Week: 221

Current Weight: 218

Twenty pounds....gone forever!

In my first week of doing these posts, I listed my first major goal as weighing less than 220 pounds. I haven't weighed under 220 pounds in 8-10 years...until a few days ago!

This week was pretty great and I was really rewarded for my efforts these last six weeks.  Besides achieving one of my first weight goals, I also had a non-scale victory that may have been even sweeter.

My body carries most of my weight in my lower abdomen, thighs, hips and butt.  I have always had thinner limbs as compared to the rest of my body. So, I have always had a problem finding jeans that fit me properly. I went up to a size 24 for a while, and then about a year ago, realized that I could wear a 22.  

Well, on Monday, when I hit 219 pounds, I decided to try on a pair of size 20 jeans I've had sitting in my closet for a long, long time. I was never able to wear them, as I thought I was still a 20 when I bought them, ripped off the tags, tried them on and they wouldn't zip. I remember that moment and resigning myself to the fact that I needed a bigger size.

On Monday, I put on these jeans, zipped them right up and was shocked. They actually fit, and looked way better than the baggy jeans I had been wearing. 

I also have a pair of size 14 button down jeans from Gap that I bought when I was 16 or 17.  I could never fit in those either, so I tucked them away in hopes that I would wear them one day in the future. I had no idea I would have to hang on to those jeans for 15 years in order to even have hope of fitting in them. 

Now, I know those jeans are only a matter of months away (It could be a lot of months, but still) and I am excited. In high school, I wore a size 14-18 depending on the brand, and I remember the day I grew out of Gap clothing as a depressing day indeed. Then Old Navy came to town, and they carried up to size 20 in the store. I remember getting too big for that, too.  So, for the past 8 years or so, I have bought my pants online or in plus size sections of stores. I have watched as stores made more room for plus sizes, and I was always so grateful to find something to wear.

Now, I'm starting to get excited about the prospect of being able to shop anywhere. I'm not at that point yet, but it seems so much closer. I'm still able to wear all of my old clothing, but it just fits so differently. Pajama bottoms that were tight are loose, and shirts that I use to completely fill out look totally different...that type of thing.

I'm still running, doing 30 Day Shred and getting in 10,000 steps a day. I work out a lot, but my main goal is stay active throughout the day. I eat a lot most days, and I'm still counting every calorie. Counting calories and keeping track of my exercise has been so important to me, and has definitely changed the way I think about food. I don't deprive myself of everything I want, but I do make sure any treats fit into my calorie goal for the day, and I try to eat fresh, nutritionally dense food most of the time.

But, the truth is, I am not "perfect" and I don't have expectations that my diet will be.  I am changing my life for good, and I don't want to live a life without ice cream. Or pizza. Or a cheeseburger and french fries. Or candy...okay, I have to stop because now I'm hungry! 

I have ice cream almost daily. I eat fast food sometimes. One of my favorite meals these days is a ham and cheddar sandwich on sourdough, grilled with butter. The point of all of this is that you don't have to cut foods out of your life if you enjoy them and can fit them into a healthy day. The first two weeks, I ate totally clean. I feel like that was the right choice for me, because I feel like it broke the habit of eating huge quantities of junk. Now, as I have gotten used to preparing healthy meals with lots of lean protein, veggies and good carbs, I have found I have a little room in my days for something like ice cream or a cheeseburger every now and then.

I used to cut out everything that I liked or thought was bad.  Then, after a week of trying to follow a fad diet or restricting myself like crazy, I would break down and binge on whatever I was craving.  Then, the guilt would force me into a shame spiral, and I would convince myself I had ruined everything by not following my diet.  Now, if I really want a piece of cake at a party, I make sure I exercise that day and I concentrate on having nutrient rich foods the rest of the day. And then I eat the cake, without a single feeling of guilt.

I have totally cut out some foods, because their high calories are just not worth it to me.  I have not drank any calories in six weeks. I don't drink soda or juice. I used to drink a lot of diet soda, but I see it as a treat now and drink it rarely.  Although I love pizza, I have not had a regular, greasy slice of pizza. I've been able to make my own pizza with English muffins or pitas and I just haven't missed restaurant pizza too much. But, I know when I really do want "real pizza", I won't stop myself from having some.

So, that's how I know this change is not stopping.  I feel great, I'm eating a lot of delicious food and I don't feel deprived. Yes, I work my butt off in the gym, but I love that, too. I think that realizing perfection is not required was the first step to a new life for me.  Sometimes, I do not meet my goals for the day. I screw up sometimes.  But, every day, I wake up excited, because I know I am closer to my goals.