My Weight Loss Journey- Week 8

Highest Weight: 250

Starting Weight: 238

Weight Last Week: 218

Current Weight: 216.5

Well, nothing too exciting to report here.  I'm super pleased with my 1.5 pound loss this week.  I'm at the point in my cycle where I am carrying a lot of extra water weight, and last month during the same week, my body would just not let go of any weight.  I've made sure to drink a lot of water this week, and I think that's helped.

I'm running more often again, which has been challenging in the best way.  I now run 2-2.5 miles about 3 times a week.  I had a personal best of running 1 mile in 12:30, which means I have shaved 3 minutes and 15 seconds off of my single mile time. A couple of weeks ago, I did a practice 5K (3.1 miles), it took me over 46 minutes. I think I could do it faster now, and I plan to run one this evening.

I've stayed within my calorie goals this week, but, man...it was hard for me to really concentrate on healthy food.  I have been craving chocolate and salt all week, and I indulged in something every day, which wasn't my plan.  I really shouldn't have any guilt, as everything fit into my calorie and nutritional goals (grams of protein, carbs, fats, etc.), but I had cake from mother's day on two nights. And on the other nights, I ate a snickers. And I thought about that snickers bar all day until I ate one. 

We haven't had any junk in the house for a couple of months, but then my husband went grocery shopping on Mother's Day with the kids and came back with a whole cake and a 6-pack of snickers AND a huge bag of M&M's. I was planning to treat myself with a candy bar for Mother's Day and asked for one, but he bought the 6 pack instead.  And we had a movie night that night, so I asked him to buy a small regular sized bag of M&M's for the kids to split with their popcorn. Instead he bought the big bag AND the kids wanted to surprise me with a cake.

I wasn't upset with him, because he just thought the larger items were better value and we could put the candy into the freezer until I wanted another one some day. Yeah...this meant I had a snickers bar every night for 3 days in a row.  And those M&M's taunt me from the freezer door, rolled up and smashed behind some frozen peas. 

Even though I'm struggling with guilt, I'm not saying that this a healthy reaction. I mostly eat totally clean, nutrient dense meals, and I eat fresh fruit and vegetables every day, usually with every meal.  And I work out. I run. I walk. A lot. 250 calories of a candy bar is not going to make me gain weight. I eat at a calorie deficient every single day, there is no way I could gain weight (aside from water weight and other natural fluctuations).

I'm still figuring out what it feels like to have a healthy relationship with food.  I'm trying to create a sustainable lifestyle while reaching all of my health goals.  I just don't want to feel like I need processed sugar or salty snacks, and this week I have been fighting that feeling every day. I hated feeling like I was always on the verge of a binge this week.  I feel like I managed my cravings and emotions pretty well this week, but it has been a little rough.

This weight loss thing is no joke. Yes, the work I put into it is tough, but the emerging thoughts and feelings are much harder to deal with at times.  I've talked before about the slight identity crisis I'm feeling, and it's still a daily struggle.  Sometimes I feel like I'm just wearing a fat suit and my body feels so much less like me.  I feel so healthy and fit until I look in the mirror or see myself without clothes on. 

It has become a challenge to love myself every step of the way. Before I decided to change my life, I felt comfortable.  I knew I was really unhealthy and I wasn't doing anything about it, but that was my status quo.  It was my normal. Now, I have declared my status quo is no longer acceptable. The fat on my body is no longer comfortable.  It's heavy, it's hot and it makes doing things harder. I often have to remind myself that I am doing everything I can, and that my body will eventually catch up with the person inside. 

P.S. My husband, Mark, you know...the candy/cake pusher?  He has been on this journey right along with me.  He doesn't count calories or run.  He rides his bike, does circuit training with me every night and has changed his diet by cutting out soda, most fast food and chips. He started at  242, and weighed in at 228 today. He's six feet tall and fairly muscular, so he is already slimming down quite a bit. I am so, so, SO proud of him!

Weight Loss Journey- Week 7

Highest Weight: 250

Starting Weight: 238

Weight Last Week: 221

Current Weight: 218

Twenty pounds....gone forever!

In my first week of doing these posts, I listed my first major goal as weighing less than 220 pounds. I haven't weighed under 220 pounds in 8-10 years...until a few days ago!

This week was pretty great and I was really rewarded for my efforts these last six weeks.  Besides achieving one of my first weight goals, I also had a non-scale victory that may have been even sweeter.

My body carries most of my weight in my lower abdomen, thighs, hips and butt.  I have always had thinner limbs as compared to the rest of my body. So, I have always had a problem finding jeans that fit me properly. I went up to a size 24 for a while, and then about a year ago, realized that I could wear a 22.  

Well, on Monday, when I hit 219 pounds, I decided to try on a pair of size 20 jeans I've had sitting in my closet for a long, long time. I was never able to wear them, as I thought I was still a 20 when I bought them, ripped off the tags, tried them on and they wouldn't zip. I remember that moment and resigning myself to the fact that I needed a bigger size.

On Monday, I put on these jeans, zipped them right up and was shocked. They actually fit, and looked way better than the baggy jeans I had been wearing. 

I also have a pair of size 14 button down jeans from Gap that I bought when I was 16 or 17.  I could never fit in those either, so I tucked them away in hopes that I would wear them one day in the future. I had no idea I would have to hang on to those jeans for 15 years in order to even have hope of fitting in them. 

Now, I know those jeans are only a matter of months away (It could be a lot of months, but still) and I am excited. In high school, I wore a size 14-18 depending on the brand, and I remember the day I grew out of Gap clothing as a depressing day indeed. Then Old Navy came to town, and they carried up to size 20 in the store. I remember getting too big for that, too.  So, for the past 8 years or so, I have bought my pants online or in plus size sections of stores. I have watched as stores made more room for plus sizes, and I was always so grateful to find something to wear.

Now, I'm starting to get excited about the prospect of being able to shop anywhere. I'm not at that point yet, but it seems so much closer. I'm still able to wear all of my old clothing, but it just fits so differently. Pajama bottoms that were tight are loose, and shirts that I use to completely fill out look totally different...that type of thing.

I'm still running, doing 30 Day Shred and getting in 10,000 steps a day. I work out a lot, but my main goal is stay active throughout the day. I eat a lot most days, and I'm still counting every calorie. Counting calories and keeping track of my exercise has been so important to me, and has definitely changed the way I think about food. I don't deprive myself of everything I want, but I do make sure any treats fit into my calorie goal for the day, and I try to eat fresh, nutritionally dense food most of the time.

But, the truth is, I am not "perfect" and I don't have expectations that my diet will be.  I am changing my life for good, and I don't want to live a life without ice cream. Or pizza. Or a cheeseburger and french fries. Or candy...okay, I have to stop because now I'm hungry! 

I have ice cream almost daily. I eat fast food sometimes. One of my favorite meals these days is a ham and cheddar sandwich on sourdough, grilled with butter. The point of all of this is that you don't have to cut foods out of your life if you enjoy them and can fit them into a healthy day. The first two weeks, I ate totally clean. I feel like that was the right choice for me, because I feel like it broke the habit of eating huge quantities of junk. Now, as I have gotten used to preparing healthy meals with lots of lean protein, veggies and good carbs, I have found I have a little room in my days for something like ice cream or a cheeseburger every now and then.

I used to cut out everything that I liked or thought was bad.  Then, after a week of trying to follow a fad diet or restricting myself like crazy, I would break down and binge on whatever I was craving.  Then, the guilt would force me into a shame spiral, and I would convince myself I had ruined everything by not following my diet.  Now, if I really want a piece of cake at a party, I make sure I exercise that day and I concentrate on having nutrient rich foods the rest of the day. And then I eat the cake, without a single feeling of guilt.

I have totally cut out some foods, because their high calories are just not worth it to me.  I have not drank any calories in six weeks. I don't drink soda or juice. I used to drink a lot of diet soda, but I see it as a treat now and drink it rarely.  Although I love pizza, I have not had a regular, greasy slice of pizza. I've been able to make my own pizza with English muffins or pitas and I just haven't missed restaurant pizza too much. But, I know when I really do want "real pizza", I won't stop myself from having some.

So, that's how I know this change is not stopping.  I feel great, I'm eating a lot of delicious food and I don't feel deprived. Yes, I work my butt off in the gym, but I love that, too. I think that realizing perfection is not required was the first step to a new life for me.  Sometimes, I do not meet my goals for the day. I screw up sometimes.  But, every day, I wake up excited, because I know I am closer to my goals.

Weight Loss Journey- Week 6

Highest Weight: 250

Starting Weight: 238

Weight Last Week: 223

Current Weight: 221

Geez, is it Thursday already?! I have had an extraordinary busy week and it has just flown by!

As you can see, I lost another two pounds this week. I am so pleased with my progress.  I am so, so close to saying goodbye to the 220's FOREVER!  I haven't been below 220 in a long time (I'm guessing about 7-10 years?), so to be honest, I am a little nervous. There is a part of me that is scared to see myself as a different person. It's silly, nonsensical even, but I know I am going to have start mentally adapting to the different stages of size and fitness I will be going through. 

I have been living a different lifestyle for six weeks now.  I have been giving it my all, and I have stayed within my calorie goal every day except one.  I'm active every day, even if that means that I all I do is get my 10,000 steps in.  Most days though, it means 10,000 steps + 30 Day Shred and maybe Zumba or other dancing thrown in.  I eat a lot of whole, healthy foods, but I don't deny myself small portions of things I'm really craving.  As cliche as it sounds, weight loss is seriously all about moderation.  

Most importantly and simply, sustainable weight loss is about creating a lifestyle where you regularly burn more calories (you burn a lot just by being alive and breathing, and also a lot more if you're active and/or exercising) than you take in. There are so, so, SO many myths about weight loss that I thought were true. There is no need to cut out any type of food, nor is it important to eat at certain times of the day. Seriously, folks, these are myths! I eat the majority of my calories after 6:00 PM and here I am, 17 pounds lost in 6 weeks.  If you don't believe me, I highly suggest you visit the forums on My Fitness Pal and talk to the many. many people who have lost significant amounts of weight. I have been so inspired and encouraged by many there, and I realized how absolutely wrong I was about weight loss.

 I try to eat as healthy and nutrient dense as possible, but I also know that if I denied myself carbs or sweets every once in a while, I would "cheat" and then end up demotivated and feeling guilty. Instead, I make healthy, filling meals and sometimes I'll leave some calories at the end of the day for something I really like, like ice cream and fresh strawberries.  I don't feel like I'm cheating, because I'm not.

  I think of my body so, so differently than I used to. Suddenly, somehow, I am faster and have so much better endurance. I have muscles popping up and have noticed small changes all over.  My legs, which are naturally the thinnest part of my body, are already getting some defined muscle.

  Physical activity and challenges excite me and bring out the inner beast.  I want to be strong. I want to be fast. Skinny?  Not so much. I want to look good in clothes and I want to be confident in whatever I wear, but thin is not my goal.  Basically, I want to kick some ass.

As much as I have enjoyed watching the numbers on the scale go down, the non scale victories have been so much sweeter.  My jeans are falling off of me and even my sports bra/tank top is getting looser.  Button down shirts no longer scare me, and all of my yoga pants are getting loose. I can run for about 5 minutes straight  before needing to walk, and I'm able to keep a 13:30 mile pace, which for me is darn good. 

At six weeks in, I feel pretty great.  Sometimes, I am frustrated because I feel like a healthy, fit person but in terms of appearance, I am still a fat girl. My mind has not registered the physical changes at all, and I still feel my insecurities and social anxieties regarding my weight come up. Sometimes, I think "at 200 pounds, I'll feel more like a normal person." But, I truly wonder if I will.  Will I feel good enough at 180?  What about my ultimate goal weight of 140?  I have realized what a challenging mental journey this is, as I have always been the fat girl.  Always.

I'm being forced to really look at myself every day. I'm choosing to ask myself why I have never thought I was good enough to be thin.  I'm wondering why I feel more comfortable hiding myself under 100 pounds of excess fat, and why the idea of being thin kind of terrifies me. I'm comfortable as the side kick, the funny one, the silly one, the bookish one. I'm so excited about my future, healthier, smaller self, but I feel in a strange way that I am saying goodbye to the Laura that I have always identified with. I had no idea what a mental challenge it will be to go through a pretty huge transformation.  

Thank you so much for all your support. It means everything to have people online and off that listen to me, encourage me and check in on me. I hope you all have a great week and see you next Thursday!

Weight Loss Journey- Week 5

Highest Weight: 250

Starting Weight: 238

Weight Last Week: 226

Current Weight: 223

Goal Weight: 140

It has been five weeks since I started changing my life, and four weeks of exercising and using My Fitness Pal to track everything I eat. In that time, I have lost FIFTEEN POUNDS!

At my heaviest, I was really close to 250, which is a bit unnerving to write. I lost ten pounds when I realized I was getting out of control, but  I just didn't have the  motivation to keep going. I felt comfortable at 235-240 for some reason, and I have been in that range for the last 3 years.

So, for comparison's sake, here is a picture of me around 250 (six months after my youngest was born) and yesterday, at 223.

I finally measured myself and I have definitely lost inches in the last 5 weeks.  I have lost 4 inches from my hips/lower belly area (the widest part of my body), as well as my waist and arms.  I didn't measure my thighs or neck, but I'm going to start!  These pictures, and especially the comparison, made me realize that I am changing.  I took the pictures below for reference in the future.  I have a long way to go (87 pounds until my goal weight!) but I know I can do this. I'm excited!

I just want to say that truly, if I can change my life, anyone can. I'm really busy, I started off 100 pounds overweight, I have two kids, very little extra money or resources, I deal with depression and severe anxiety, but I decided it was time to change. I realized that I can either face my issues head on and figure out why I ate so much and moved so little, or be unhappy and unhealthy for the rest of my shortened life. It has been hard to really look at myself, and see how I was abusing my body and my mind.

I didn't want to believe that I was strong enough or even "good" enough to be a thinner person.  I have been scared that getting fit would just be another thing I have failed at. It was hard for me to exercise at the beginning, and I was angry and physically really uncomfortable, but I wanted the change more than I cared about the pain.  When you get to that point, I really think everything changes. The idea of  food as comfort has just kind of faded into the background for me...I think about food a lot now, but it's usually making sure I eat the right amount of the right foods, instead of thinking, "What sounds like it will make me happy?"

When I had that moment, that day that I woke up and I thought, "I'm tired of this. I want to be the best me possible," I knew that something had changed. I knew I had a wonderful life, full of amazing and inspiring people.  I didn't want to feel like I had to sit on the sidelines of life anymore, and I just knew that if I asked for support and help, I would get it.

My weight loss journey so far has been very public. I don't share about it on my private Facebook page or anything, but a lot of my friends and family read here and know exactly what I'm doing.  I feel like coming clean with my weight started everything.  When I published my weight for the first time, it became so real.  It was no longer just a shameful number to hide, it truly represented how unhealthy I had become. I could no longer pretend. And, I didn't want to.

I loved myself and my even my appearance before this journey began. I knew I was a good person and I had a lot to offer the world.  But, every moment of my life, I felt like I was letting myself down. Now, as I run, or make a healthy meal, or dance in my living room, I finally feel content with myself.  I know that day after day, I will continue to grow and discover more about myself that I love. 

Thanks for reading! See you next week for another update!

Weight Loss Journey- Week 4

Highest Weight: 250

Starting Weight: 238

Weight Last Week: 228

Current Weight: 226

Goal Weight: 140

Hi, everyone! 

This week has been filled with ups and downs, but overall I feel great!

As you may have noticed, I lost 2 pounds this week!  These 2 pounds were hard fought for and I no longer get disappointed if I don't have a "big loss" every week.  I am ecstatic about losing these two pounds and I can't believe that in the next week, a month will have gone by since I started this journey!  Overall, I have lost 12 pounds! Woo-Hoo!

I've had some other small victories this week.  I've had several people comment that my face looks slimmer and I look smaller overall.  Also, (and this is a big one), I went to Old Navy for the first time in months.  I was with my mother in law, and I was looking at an XXL shirt, because I have worn that or Plus Size sizes from Old Navy for the past few years. She nicely told me that there was no way that would fit me, and I needed to try a smaller size. I took 3 different XL shirts into the fitting room (one button down) and they all fit. They weren't even tight.

I have been walking on air all day after that one. I cannot believe I just walked into a store and didn't buy the largest size. It is mind boggling to me.  And so freaking exciting!

I have been increasing my calories over the past week, to better match the level of exercise I do.  My wonderful, amazing friend, Ali, sent me a FitBit to track my steps and log my workouts. I walk a little over 10,000 steps a day and also am still doing 30 Day Shred every day.  I get to those 10,000 steps by walking a lot, running a bit and doing Zumba or other dancing.  I slowed down significantly on running because my knees started to hurt really badly when I ran every day. Now I run once or twice a week with that other stuff mixed in.

I know I haven't included any pictures in a long time, but I guess that's because I want you all to see a difference...?  I plan to take pictures this week to mark my first month into my journey and I'll definitely share next Thursday.

Thank you all so much for your amazing ideas, support and advice as I have been changing my life. I have been overwhelmed with love and encouragement and it keeps me pushing everyday!